Who to Bet and Who to Forget — 2015 MLB playoff edition

Just prior to the season’s start Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen wrote a Bet It or Forget It column—a capsule of every MLB team’s odds to win the World Series. Like a drunken Tinder spree, we placed faith in some sleepers, missed on some keepers and mostly were skeptical of the obvious winners.

Here then, the follow up as we see pre-season odds (in paren) have changed dramatically. If you’re looking to keep your mind off the predictable Sleepaway Camp-style massacre that is the verbal stylings of Joe Buck, Tom Verducci, Erin Andrews and Ken Rosenthal—yes Harold Reynolds, that doesn’t leave you much to work with—gambling is the only way to go.

Refrain from wagering—ushering a month of no-stakes baseball—at your own risk.

Kansas City Royals 9/2 (30/1)

AJ: Forget it. I like what the Royals did in the offseason—shedding Shields and Country Breakfast and letting Aoki flit away to the Giants. And they’ve done nothing but improve during the regular season—notably reanimating Johnny Cueto. But, the team is DOA in the LCS. Ned Yost’s Royals certainly dominated a sort of stripped-down AL Central. The Tigers demo’d the kitchen and bathrooms in July and the Twins and Cleveland are simply both happy to not be 12 games below .500 at this point in the season. Baseball Prospectus gives the Royals a 92.7 percent chance to win the division and a 97.3 percent chance to make the playoffs, but doesn’t say much about how deep they’ll go. Yost (like Mattingly) is about as good between the lines as the Crayon streaks on a children’s menu and therefore I’ll pass on the odds-on favorites to hoist the Commissioner’s Trophy.

KM: Forget it. Ned Yost remains a conundrum for this team. He’s obviously one helluva player development man–probably one of the best in the business from the manager’s step in the dugout–as evidenced by the maturation of guys like Lorenzo Cain (an off-brand MVP candidate, he’ll get votes), Salvador Perez and Mike Moustakas. Yost appears to keep it loose and his guys respond. That’s great for the regular season, but the postseason is the province of tinkerers and chess-players in the cut of a Joe Girardi or Bruce Bochy. Men who can play the matchups and respond tactically to everything the other team has to offer. With the Royals’ pitching staff looking shaky headed into October, you need a gamesman, not a statesman.

New York Mets 5/1 (25/1)

AJ: Forget it. I was high on the Mets at 25/1 prior to the start of the season saying that Cuddyer, Murphy and Wright are the closest Queens has had to a murderers’ row since Mookie, Daryl, Ray and Gary. Um, I was a little wrong about how they’d get there but right about the fact that they would. Young arms define the Mets who, if not for the Pirates and Cubs, would be the most intriguing squad in the NL, maybe baseball. I’m still brushing up on Noah Syndergaard’s fastball as well as the stuff of Jacob deGrom and closer Jeurys Familia. The lack of scouting on these guys may have Mr. Met dancing all the way to the NLCS. However, it’s there a run-in with the aforementioned NL Central wild card or the Cards/Dodgers that ends this turnaround season.

KM: Forget it. Iron sharpens iron, and for most of the season the Mets have been slicing through the NL Least like a hot knife through butter. The team absolutely fell apart this weekend against Washington, their only real competition in the East, after the suddenly innings-limited Matt Harvey left an 8K shutout only to watch it get blown wide open. It would require a miracle to get past Zack Grienke and Clayton Kershaw with the Dodgers and then one of the battle-tested Central teams in the LCS round. The Amazins’ don’t have it in them this year.

Toronto Blue Jays 5/1 (30/1)

AJ: Bet it. Kyle, I didn’t take our neighbors to the north in the pre-season but I’m, again, shuffling over with the masses even at no-so-great 5/1 odds. They’ve got the pitching. They’ve got the hitting. They’ve got the infield. They’ve got the home-field advantage. And they’ve got the would-be MVP. This year, because the AL is offering mostly Jell-o and iceburg, I gotta go with the only team with flavor. I just can’t believe it’s from, *gulp* the home of Anne Murray.

KM: Bet it. Tales of Jays’ fans ability to travel and sell the living hell out of the Rogers Center (they were middle of the pack before the Troy Tulowitzki/David Price acquisitions) are starting to circulate far and wide. 47k screaming Canadians are not what you want to face come October, when the Maple Leafs have yet to really break their hearts and the whole damn country’s sporting world will revolve around Front Street and Blue Jay Way. When you’re not worried about the fan base, you’d better get worried about a recovering Tulo, a dominating Josh Donaldson and David Price putting 10Ks on you every game.

Los Angeles Dodgers 6/1 (13/2)

AJ: Forget it. $307 million payroll. The most famous Cuban ballplayer since Castro? The two best arms in baseball? How can they miss? 1) Chicago. 2) St. Louis. 3) Pittsburgh.

KM: Bet it. Clayton Kershaw and Zack Grienke are the stuff of nightmares. Brett Anderson and Alex Wood are pitching like guys who can end a series, though. Anderson is 2-0 with a 2.31 ERA in his last four starts and is looking every bit the Billy Beane performer the A’s originally signed him to be. Wood, if he can stay healthy, just went 8 innings with one hit allowed in his last start, where he threw a measly 78 pitches. This is a rotation even Mattingly (maybe, probably) can’t fuck up.

St. Louis Cardinals 7/1 (12/1)

AJ: Bet it. Folks are starting to sour on the Cardinals because of injuries and their propensity (see: Kyle’s comments below) to fade down the stretch. However, the Matheny Cardinals are a team built for playoff success and it always seems the years they’re most underestimated or most seen as spoilers (see: 2006 vs. Detroit and 2011 vs. Texas) are the years they shine. Carlos Martinez (13-7, 3.02 ERA, 1.29 WHIP) has flushed away the memory of injured Adam Wainwright like last night’s Panda Express. In injured Matt Holliday’s (.303/.417/.421) place, Bay Area product Stephen Piscotty has stepped up with the some of the truest hitting and most fun last name to say all year. Throw in a healthy Tommy Pham, Brandon Moss and Mark Reynolds, the latter pair filled in for Matt Adams while he was out, and you’ve got the deepest bench in both leagues. The red birds will play past Halloween.

KM: Bet it, but bet it light. The thing about St. Louis is that either of their potential LDS opponents (assuming it’s the Cubs or Pirates) have seen them a ton this season and are improving in their head-to-head matchups, with Chicago winning 4 of their last 6 heading into the playoffs and the Pirates at 2-1 in their last series with one more to come next week. Both Central squads have the book on the Cards, and with Yadier Molina hobbled with a hand injury, St. Louis has a less-loaded deck to deal from. That said, Mike Matheny is in every way Don Mattingly’s superior if the two match up in the NLCS.

Texas Rangers 8/1 (40/1)

AJ: Forget it. I didn’t like them at 40/1 and I surely won’t like them at 8/1. I will give it to Texas though, they’re the Annie Wilkes of baseball teams. They should’ve been done after 2011. They should’ve been done after 2010. Hell, they should’ve been done after George W. traded Sosa to the Cubs in 1991. But they manage to never go away. Prince Fielder and Shin-soo Choo have made respectable mid-/late-career runs this year and Adrian Beltre has made a mini-comeback of his own in the second half. Mike Napoli and Mitch Moreland on the back end of the order give the Rangers depth, but the team’s rotation isn’t playoff-ready. Cole Hamels can still throw like an ace, but after that there’s a bigger drop-off than when Van Halen hired Gary Cherone. Yovani Gallardo in game two and Derek Holland taking the mound game three and…need I continue?

KM: Forget it. The push required from the Rangers to catch and pass the Astros and then hold them off for two weeks is going to be exhausting. Don’t forget that the Angels are only 4 games behind in the division and just 2.5 behind the Astros for the last wild card spot and are headed to Arlington for a four game series to finish the regular season. This team has to keep its foot on the pedal for 14 straight days just to earn a shot at potentially playing Toronto, if not a one-game wildcard matchup for the right to face Kansas City. Tall order.

Pittsburgh Pirates 10/1 (25/1)

AJ: Bet it. First off, the positives if you’re a Bucs fan: Three (potential) playoff appearances in as many years is a huge, huge accomplishment and shows that it’s smart spending and smarter play that keep baseball’s small cap franchises relevant. A ridiculously good bullpen: During a one-month stretch just after the All Star Break, the Pirates’ pen was a cumulative sub-1.40 ERA thanks to Detroit cast-off Joakim Soria, southpaw Antonio Bastardo and flame thrower Arquimedes Caminero—not to mention Mark Melancon (98 percent save conversion rate), Tony Watson and Jared Hughes have all shown they learned a thing or two from last year’s playoff dream-killer and eventual WS champion Giants. Hell, I know things aren’t looking as good on the offensive front, especially with recent notable injuries (see: Kyle’s take below) but if Pittsburgh gets the opportunity to wave the yellow towels and fire up the Sister Sledge as the bullpen gets going, magic can happen.

KM: Forget it. The Pirates were finished when Jung-Ho Kang went down last week with a broken leg. The do-everything infielder from Korea has been one of the true treats to watch this season–the KBO’s first export to hold down an every-day job as a position player in the big leagues. As much as McCutcheon was the straw that stirred the drink, Jung-Ho made that infield defense sing from three different positions and was providing a lot of the pop the Bucs no longer get from Aramis Ramirez and Josh Harrison. The Pirates are all but assured of a playoff spot but don’t really have the luxury to rest because catching the Cards is still a possibility. I have a really bad feeling that their season will end one night into the playoffs.

Chicago Cubs 12/1 (16/1)

AJ: Bet it, but don’t let sentiment get the best of you. I like the Cubs (especially at 12/1) as much as any Old Style swiller to go deep in the playoffs. And, besides the Pirates, I think they’re the most likable team in baseball right now—so much that I’m going to start selling bootleg Cubs Care Bears on etsy to subsidize these picks. Also, I don’t buy into the hype that a young team can be intimidated. If there’s anything I learned from obsessing over the 2010 Giants, it’s that youth and ignorance actually can go a lot further when the bunting and Joe Buck descend upon your home field. And the Cubs have the world’s best infield, probably ever. BUT, it’s playoffs and playoffs mean pitching dammit. Pitching, pitching, pitching—especially relief (see: Pittsburgh). Joe Maddon’s Cubs don’t have the starting five to make this a strong, big-money play. Do Jon Lester, Jake Arrieta, Jason Hammel, Kyle Hendricks and a questionable Dan Haren scare anyone save for maybe the one guy who is still playing head-to-head fantasy baseball? No. Arrieta and Lester are the only innings eaters in the rotation so that leaves Neil Ramirez, Trevor Cahill and Fernando Rodney to hold it together from the pen. Fortunately for the ivy dwellers, that threesome, plus closer Hector Rondon, seem to be hitting their stride at the right time. Should the Cubs make it past the WC round, those arms will be up right away with the Cards. To me, if this last weekend’s series did portend anything, it’s the Cards know there’s a difference between September and October baseball.

KM: Bet it. I watched the Cubs all weekend, and my biggest takeaways were as follows: 1) Their bullpen can be electric. Fernando Rodney has been around the block in the postseason and Pedro Strop is nearly unhittable at his best. 2) Addison Russell is the baddest man on the planet wearing a glove right now. At a time of year when runs come at a premium, nothing gets past the Cubs shortstop. Two plays stick out–a Saturday dive to his backhand side and toss in a one-second motion to end the Cardinals’ comeback bid and a Sunday play where he rocketed himself over second base to handle a throw from catcher David Ross, then reached between his legs to tag out a runner. He’s so far into the zone defensively that it’s intimidating. 3) Starlin Castro is finding his groove. At the ripe old age of 25, the Cubs and Chicago fans appeared ready to close the book on the once-phenom. He lost his starting shortstop job to Russell, was benched for a week and moved over to second on his way towards the exit. Thing is, the switch worked and he’s collected 32 hits, 7 home runs and a litany of doubles and RBI since mid-August. He’s on the come, and adds to a Cubs arsenal that already includes Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant, Jorge Soler and Kyle Schwarber.

New York Yankees 15/1 (25/1)

AJ: Forget it. Especially now that it’s cool to root for the Mets. You know, it’s been so long since the Yankees have been post-season relevant, it’s almost worth considering at 15/1 for old times’ sake. But then there’s what’s actually happening on the field. Still-injured Masahiro Tanaka is supposed to take the ball game 1 in the playoffs and Joe Girardi’s woeful (but not hapless) Yanks wilt from there. Nathan Eovaldi is out and Adam Warren is on a non-Scott Boras-enforced pitch count. It’s only a matter of time before the Bronx flatlines and re-loads with free-agent starters for a run in 2016.

KM: Forget it. You just can’t paper over the team’s starting pitching once every opponent is playoff-quality. Plus, do you really want to bet on the Yankees when their probable wildcard matchup could be Dallas Keuchel, Cole Hamels or Jared Weaver?

Houston Astros 20/1 (60/1)

AJ: Bet it. This is a pride bet for me. The Astros are a year, maybe two away, but I want to see them go deep into the playoffs and with four AL teams (Texas, Houston, NYY and KC) all sort of just OK, I have to think if they slip in. The Stros are just young and plucky (<–that’s right!) enough to advance a round or two. Should they find themselves in The Show, who knows? This is a $5 to win $100 bet, max though as all recent signs point to the Astros’ dream season coming to an end with nary a wild card berth to show for all the orange H hats they moved over the last three months. The Astros starting hitters strike out a quarter of the time (not surprisingly, the same amount as the baby Cubs)…those Ks plus jitters are prohibitive from moving much past the LDS.

KM: Forget it. Look, this team just lost 4 straight to the Rangers and has spent the last month getting drubbed by pretty much every playoff-bound team they’ve faced. This week will tell us a lot with series against both Texas and Anaheim, but I think the Process is still a year away from providing results.

Los Angeles Angels 50/1 (10/1)

AJ: Forget it. Although I’m tempted to give the streaky Angels the nod for the fact that their odds have so desperately slid since pre-season, there’s no Rally Monkey in the hinterlands of Yorba Linda this year and definitely no bullpen to get them past the WC. Anyone know Scott Spiezio’s (and his playoffs-grown flavor saver) number?

KM: Forget it. Like the Rangers, the balls-out sprint required to make the playoffs by the Angels is going to be consuming and exhausting. I like Mike Scioscia a lot–I think he’ll get them into the postseason with Mike Trout, some spit n’ glue and a whole lot of black magic. Once they’re there, though, the wild card game could mash their bullpen and a potential showdown with Kansas City’s speed-based offense just doesn’t pencil out for them, pace-wise.

Minnesota Twins 50/1 (100/1)

AJ: Forget it. The Twins have to win at least 8 of their remaining 13 to have a chance for a wild card berth. The last time the Twinkies won 8 of their final 13, Kirby Puckett was climbing fences and Frank Viola was baffling Paul Molitor with filthy 82-mph breaking stuff. The Twins stayed relevant all year which is more than I can say for fellow L’Etoile du nord(er) Michelle Bachmann. If you do take ‘em at 50/1, hedge that a little with Cleveland at 100/1.

KM: Forget it. The Twinks have been assigned a closing schedule that will end someone: seven with the Indians, three with Kansas City to end the season and a three game shot of the Tigers in there for good measure. The Indians (more on them presently) play like Dale Earnhart and even with KC’s foot off the gas you’re likely not going to get more than one gimmee from the defending league champs. Check back in 2016.

Cleveland Indians 100/1 (25/1)

AJ: Bet it. The teams are taking it down to the dinner bell with a genre-defining showdown at Target Field in Minneapolis. The Twins thus far lead the season series by a pair of games despite being outscored. The Tribe has an eight percent chance of getting a wild card berth with the Twins’ odds slipping below six percent. Both teams trail the Astros in the wild card by at least four games, though Houston is showing signs of fading as well. All that said, I don’t need to go deep into Cleveland’s lineup other than the fact that I know Tom Berenger is showing Charlie Sheen it’s not just about throwing fast and living fast…it’s about embracing the moment. At 100/1, I’m embracing that moment.

KM: Editor’s Note: Kyle decided to abstain. Once the Major League references start, there’s really nothing more to say.

 

Dismissed personality Bill Simmons took $5 million a year from ESPN but The Network still won

I don’t know how much man crush-meets-professional-jealousy taints my opinion of former Grantland chief Bill Simmons. Let’s just say it’s somewhere between 20 and 90 percent.

By Andrew Pridgen

Bill Simmons hasn’t been an impressive writer since his AOL days…making fun of ESPN and has never broken a story as much as moved it one smarmy step beyond a press release. That’s why I can’t say I’m saddened by his break up with The Network as much as I am envious of all the coin he pilfered for showing up to work dressed like a Sigma Nu pledge and chopping it up with MTV also-rans about Paul Rudd.

The Grantland vertical he helped build is touted as formidable by the Bristol-based parent company, but its numbers don’t necessarily bear that out. ComScore estimates Grantland reached fewer than 5 million people/month over the last calendar year. Were it not backed by and teased to incessantly from the vowel and three consonant juggernaut you can probably erase a few zeros off that number. By comparison, Deadspin, the zeitgeist’s continuum of Simmons’ early voice on sports and pop culture, gets about 25 million-plus hits every 30 days; sports intel aggregator SB Nation about 14 million.

That Simmons was making $5 million/year, staff not included, at Grantland was probably a bigger writedown for ESPN than Playmakers. The network tried to squeeze other revenue from their best-compensated personality but with mixed results. Simmons’ matte and mostly unprepared on-air personae was most glaring as the disengaged host of the nearly unwatchable-unless-you’re-making-dinner-and-can’t-find-the-remote NBA Countdown. Being behind the mic instead of in front of the camera suited him better for his podcast the B.S. Report, but the success there may have been more attributable to fill-in-the-office-void work listeners.

Simmons did ESPN the favor of starting to sever the strings in his last contract year during the Ray Rice domestic abuse scandal. He called NFL commissioner Roger Goodell a liar for only taking action to suspend Rice after video showing the former Ravens running back and your second-round fantasy pick TKO’ing his fiancé in an elevator went viral. In the case of calling out Goodell, Simmons was right. But since his employer is a surrogate of the most successful nonprofit in the land, the Armageddon clock on his employ started then.

When you sign that contract with the corporate media devil (see also: Nate Silver) you’re expected to adhere to certain cultural norms. You don’t, in other words, visit McDonald’s for oysters on a half-shell and Calabrian spiced tofu. Nothing ESPN has ever done has jeopardized its megaton contracts with the NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL and college football. Maybe there was some edgy stuff going on when Berman wore the Century 21 jacket and reported on roller derby and monster truck rallies but that was like three decades and four comb overs ago.

The scandals, the coverups and the chicanery of sport are better left reported by independent outlets. ESPN has it down when it comes to Cirque de Soleil intro highlight show graphics, sniveling prep school bully talking heads and running score scrolls. That’s about it.

The understanding if you’re Simmons or one the other .0000001 percent of bartender cum journalists who’ve cracked the “me-as-brand” code is working for ESPN is the modern-day equivalent of becoming a VP for Chrysler under Lee Iacocca. Show up to work, try not to burn your tongue on the coffee and enjoy those 36-hole rounds and steak dinners on a Tuesday.

It will be interesting to see what happens to Simmons in his second act. He is walking from ESPN with the milk crate of pens, paperwork and desk chotchkies like his Colin Cowherd bobblehead which he’ll spin donuts over in the parking lot. His brands stay with the company.

He will perhaps try to run a revenge start-up. Probably a bad idea. Should he pair with a billionaire interested in content (see: Matt Taibbi/Pierre Omidyar’s disastrous partnership of Joanie Loves Chachi proportions) the clashing of egos would stall out worse than Google Glass II.

No doubt, Fox, which has been searching for a voice outside of their commercial cutaway NFL robots for more than a decade—including misfires on the likes of southern-fried cracker hack Clay Travis, Dave and Busters manager trainee Jay Glazer and if only he’d gone to dental school Ken Rosenthal—could make a run at Simmons. He’d get paid, but that relationship would also carry a sell-by date and would be a bigger step down than Billy Joel’s second wife.

The best Simmons could probably do is start looking for available URLs and maybe get some WordPress help from the neighbor kid.

I think ESPN wins this round. They’re always going to be hamstrung by their association with the big machine of professional sport. That’s fine. That’s the real star of the network. Nobody turns to ESPN or its verticals to see their outsized heroes bashed. ESPN’s consumers identify themselves as fans foremost. And yet Grantland was never as much journalism as aspirational journalism. It was marketing posing as substance. And it will continue to be so and grow with younger, more eager and definitely less-expensive voices.

Though I will lament the departure of Simmons for his ability to wrangle Chuck Klosterman into a 10,000-word Life and Times of KISS magnum opus which wrung the very last drop of the writers’ hemoglobin, perspiration and throwaway knowledge of every. Single. KISS album. It was a modern-day Canterbury Tales. Still, I think it was only read by me and my best-friend/neighbor growing up, Chris.

Regardless of whether it was a bust, the KISS piece was a fine exhibition of what money and corporate backing CAN buy if you’re willing to play by the rules. Just as Simmons’ departure is a sign that support net doesn’t feel quite so cushy once you’ve had enough.

Pints and Picks Week 4: No bye week for bad bets

Each week DPB’s Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen will pour on the prose with Pints and Picks™. Who to wager and what to drink while doing it. Here then, is their point-counterpoint for Sept 27, 2014. Or, if you’re in the car, simply scroll down for the recap (they may be verbose, but it’s better than clicking through a slideshow).

AJ: Kyle, why are there bye weeks in college football? I mean, I get why they’re there in the NFL—basically an opportunity to get arrested in the club and for the league to fuck with fantasy owners who deserve to be fucked with. But there’s no reason for this in college other than maybe to see what FCS campus gets the biggest spike in date rape and frat house electronics raids over the idle weekend.

I only ask this because bye weeks in college used to not exist and now that they do, it brings an even bigger air of “professionalism” (air quotes) and indentured servitude to the amateur gridiron ranks. If the NCAA said, “We schedule bye weeks around midterms because academics” I’d be good with that. Happy even. But the real reason is to stretch out the post-season and turn college football into a 20-week endeavor (i.e. almost two-thirds the academic year) for the almighty bottom line—of which the athletes themselves see not a penny (and that’s where the lap top thefts come in).

Since you’re pretty good about finding out the why of things the way I’m good at identifying the season of Magnum PI (and episodes) where he tries to track down the ghost of his allegedly deceased wife, let me know if you know.

Otherwise, I take it now that you’re off the schneid you’re not taking a bye this week.

Me, I’m still trying to feel this week out like a Junior High dance. There’s no match up that stands out as a stone cold lock; and it has to be watchable to be (not a word: betable). <-One of my cardinal rules—the other is to never trust a Yelp reviewer whose mouth is wide open on their profile photo.

For now, a couple quick comments:

• Why is Wyoming traipsing around the country in pursuit of getting bitch-slapped? Is it like an anything-is-better-than-staying-home-and-risk-getting-shot-in-the-face-by-Dick-Cheney thing? First Oregon and now Michigan State? It kind of reminds me of those Pat Hill-era Fresno State teams which burned through their Southwest miles to go get rolled up by the SEC and ACC and Big-10 before limping back to the parched Valley and dominating, um, Wyoming …and most of the rest of the Mountain West. To be fair, Wyoming does have a slightly guttier squad than they originally got credit for (think corn snow-fed defense) and should give Sparty fits for at least a quarter or two. If you can get a first-half prop bet for the Cowboys at +10 or above, that’s better odds than your drunk-as-fuck out-of-town guest trying to pull a credit card advance on the gaming floor.

• Missouri on the road at South Carolina getting only 6.5. The Gamecocks are hotter than a rescue pit mix locked in a ’93 Aerostar in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly since forgetting Manziel was in the NFL and dropping their opener against Texas A&M. The Cocks have won three straight and Missouri is reeling from what should’ve amounted to a midweek January stumble on the hardcourt to the Hoosiers at home last week. Can Mizzou regroup or will South Carolina’s Mike Davis and Brandon Wilds harass QB Maty Mauk who already has four ints to go with 14 teeders …and, you know what, this spread sucks. Fuck this game.

…I’m going to pause right there and say I was running some errands with a buddy during the lunch hour today (he’s planning a birthday party for a one-year-old which basically means crappy burgers, a weird sheet cake that is actually just flypaper with white frosting and a couple of fifths because apparently one is too young to remember seeing your folks and their friends black out) and we ended up at Costco. Still $1.50 for a polish and a soda.

The thing is, we were the only sub-octagenarains dining there. All these Burns-postured McMurphys who’d escaped from “Serene Gardens” next door were gumming on these intestines and entrails pressed into a tube while gangsta leaning off their Rascals made me wonder: Do the old folks know something I don’t? Like, If I have one meal left, it’s gotta be Costco (because it is glorious, especially when you remember to ask for the slaw) or does it just kill a lot of time to try to gum down a dog the size of your shriveled and veiny neck midday on a weekday when you’re at the station of life when time, quite literally, can’t go any slower—and yet, you don’t have much of it left.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I just have a lot more questions than answers this week.

Kyle? You there? You still reading?

Kyle: AJ, the middle school dance analogy couldn’t be more apt. I have an overwhelming urge to skip this week completely and tell all of our readers I was off doing some really cool stuff. In reality, I’ll probably be reading Madeleine L’Engle and trying to stay up for MadTV and hope my father (who, coincidentally, is visiting this weekend) doesn’t come out and turn it off when they swear for like the only time in the whole show.

MadTV featured the stylings of Michael McDonald (not this one, not that one, this one), a USC alum, and that’s my segue into talking about one of the only games that probably matter this weekend. With no ranked matchups, it’s going to be interesting to watch Oregon State-SC (-9) in the sense that it’ll be interesting to see your neighbor walk out the door with his 14-year-old dog tomorrow. Hey, still on the right side of the dirt, eh Fido?

The 2-1 Trojans are a technically, I suppose, still in the playoff race. Stanford exposed SC’s inability to get anything done in the red zone with a run game that’s hampered when it doesn’t have room to breath in a game the Trojans won 13-10. Boston College pantsed SC’s run defense in a 37-31 victory on Chestnut Hill. Both of these tell me the men of Troy aren’t yet sound in their line play. Mike Riley’s Beavers aren’t very good at running the ball on aggregate—they’re 91st in rushing in the nation—but in the first quarter, few offenses are as effective at running and passing the ball as 3-0 Oregon State, who put up more points early (10.5) than every other team in the Pac 12 North. If they can kick the Trojans’ line in the teeth early, I think OSU Quarterback Sean Mannion can play keep-up with a very potent SC passing attack.

Surveying the rest of the college football landscape leaves that bye week to be desired.

American Conference favorite Cincinnati visits Ohio State as a 15.5-point dog, and that’s halfway intriguing. Looking at the rest of this schedule is sort of like looking at the area surrounding Charleton Heston after that ship crashed in the first Planet of the Apes. Guess we’ll have to get walking.

AJ: Kyle, nice call on bringing the pops to town during the week of bettors doldrums. Now, instead of sitting indoors and inhaling the second-hand smoke of the sports book, the two of you can ramble around the Sierras inhaling the first-hand smoke of arsonists.

I think we agree this is a trap week as far as NCAA wagering goes. None of the spreads seem at all enticing and, as you pointed out, the dearth of compelling matchups (besides conference-centric spoiler games like Stanford at U-Dub) make this the week to take a BCS breather—and set the crosshairs on October baseball.

Namely Mr. Magin, the prospect of four very disparate and very under-(over?)achieving-for-different-reasons West Coast franchises making it to the playoffs.

It’s a Freaky Friday moment for baseball West of Lovelock. You’ve got the perennial lovable A’s who went out and made a splash at the trade deadline, only to wallow in the second half like so much locker room sludge through the AL West with dead arms and a listless clubhouse en route to a wildcard berth.

You have the predictably unpredictable Giants across the bridge who had a fiery start and a nine-game lead in May only to lose two-time world champion aces Matt Cain from the starting five (still unknown injury) and Tim Lincecum (still undiagnosed velocity problems) but somehow picked up where Oakland left off and went not with the big trades but with the white-flag youth movement: Hunter Strickland, Chris Hesten, Erik Cordier and even skipper’s son Brett Bochy have all contributed on the mound. Back-up backstop Andrew Susac has been clutch off the bench and in spelling Buster Posey and infielders Joe Panik and Matt Duffy have been key contributors plugging the middle whilst performing at the plate. The suddenly youth-infused G-men didn’t have enough in the tank to catch the boys in blue with the quarter-billion-dollar payroll and the world’s greatest stadium, but they do have a good chance of beating the Pirates in the wildcard sudden-death scenario and finding themselves the object of Joe Buck’s scorn again.

In Southern California, it’s a battle of swollen payrolls and depleting expectations. The Halos, who had all but given up on The Last Investment Albert Pujols till he decided to come out of the orange groves and hit a respectable .273 with 28 bombs and 104 RBIS (and he’s not done yet). Mike Trout is baseball’s lone superstar right now and the singing cowboy’s starting rotation featuring innings eaters Jared Weaver (18-8, 3.52 ERA), CJ Wilson (13-10, 4.61 ERA) and Matt Shoemaker (16/4, 3.04 ERA) suddenly looks like baseball’s best even without the services of Garrett Richards (13-4, 2.61 ERA). The hedge fund-backed Dodgers’ have the best pitcher in baseball in Clayton Kershaw. The once-in-a-generation starter-next-door has mastery of three pitches usually thrown in a way three different pitchers might; fastball, 90-plus, a makes-you-swing-from-the-heels slider in the high-80s and an elevator curve in the mid-70s. It’s like facing vintage Barry Zito, Pedro Martinez and Greg Maddox—in one at-bat. Kershaw recently notched his 20th win, has an ERA under 1.80 and tosses 100-pitch complete game shutouts like Drysdale the get away afternoon after a Saturday night bender. Kershaw alone almost makes one forget that any player who came up under Castro thinks hitting the cut-off man is a Fredo Corleone reference.

You got your Tigs Kyle, but the prospect of not only an all West Coast World series, but LCSs makes me giggle. I know Fox shares Erin Andrews’ resting bitchface scowl when it comes to the knowledge that KC, not NY will be in the playoffs and Mr. Jeter’s farewell bonanza is but a week away from coming to a cleaned-out-locker and teary press conference halt. All that historic footage from the pre-device ’90s shelved for roll out at Cooperstown in 2020. And what the fuck will Ken “He shoulda been-a dentist” Rosenthal talk about as Buck cuts Harold Reynolds off on the cutaways with no DJ?

With that, I’d like to be a sort of World Series wager Sommelier. First off, like a fine wine, many teams age into BETTER odds of winning Bud Selig’s final Commissioner’s Trophy as the season matures. But like your great aunt’s Bradford Exchange plate collection, not all teams go up in value. At the start of the season the last-place Red Sox were 12/1 (ditto Rays). The aforementioned Yankees, who are now 300/1 to take a Champagne bath, started out at 14/1. The Orioles who started the season at 35/1 are now 13/2—not bad for a runaway division champ. And your Motor City hardballers are a solid 6/1. For my money though, I’m liking either the A’s or the Giants at 12/1 to bring the hardware back to the Biggedy. After all, Giants fans, it is an even-numbered year.

Kyle, I know you’re headed out the door to see nature’s splendor with the man who pulled you out of oblivion and plopped you on this big blue-infused chunk of spinning granite, but I KNOW you’re laying down your World Series picks this week… so, (Pacino voice) what’dya got?!

Kyle: AJ, I’ve never been more happy to talk baseball during betting season, a sport I usually avoid at the book like the plague. It will also grease the wheels of conversation with the old man while we’re waiting for his knees to stabilize after I drag him up a few thousand feet above his normal playing altitude.

I, too, think the road to the World Series is definitely coming through California. Too many hardball-related planets are aligning with the Golden State. Dave Stewart is LaRussa’s new lapdog in Arizona. Scully is back again next year! I found out, just this week, that they still have an MLB team in San Diego.

As a Tigers fan, I hate to say it, but the Los Angeles Angels of Disneyland at 9/2 to win the series is the best bet at the book. Jeff Weaver is a horse, Matt Shoemaker has walked one guy for every 9 he’s struck out since the break and Wade Leblanc hasn’t given up a run in his last two starts headed into the postseason. Everybody has been getting on in front of Albert Pujols and he’s been driving all of them in—he’s got roughly an RBI per game over the last month, while Mike Trout continues to ape Barry Bonds with his slugging prowess. Gordon Beckham and Howie Kendrick have gotten on-base as often as anyone in the league over the last month. There’s just no way I see someone getting around this time save some massive power outage from Pujols and Trout.

In the NL—and I know this won’t be popular with much of our readership—I like the Dodgers. I don’t love them at 9/5, but in the “who’s going to win this thing” sense, I think we’re geared up for a freeway series. Which, wow, Randy Newman is going to RAKE royalties from FOX. It’ll make Erin’s Dancing with the Stars schedule manageable—I won’t have to put up with her whiny-ass Instagram posts from a private jet about #grinding from coast to coast.

We’ll get some hoity-toity reminders from the New Yorker about all the poor-ass people who got bulldozed out of Chavez Ravine 60-plus years ago to make way for one of the top-five stadiums in baseball. It’ll be gross and engrossing, all at once.

The Dodgers’ Matt Kemp, Justin Turner, Carl Crawford and Scott Van Slyke have been hitting the living shit out the ball over the last month—all four are in the top-15 of OPS over that stretch. Even with Puig’s second-half power outage, I don’t see how anyone else keeps up with the boys in blue. Selig passes out his last trophy south of the Grapevine.

AJ: Gotta agree it may be Los Doyers’ year and hey that Randy Newman song was supposed to be ironic; like how big a shithole-where-small-town-dreams-go-to-die-with-a-gooey-tarpit-center LA is. It makes me laugh every time the Dodgers notch a W and it bounces off the Hollywood sign and into the night. I love it! I love it! I love it!

Oh, yeah, the Huskies are better than David Shaw’s listless and unproven farm squad. Take the dawgs and the 6 points against the Cardinal (at home!) for a share of the Pac-12 North lead.

The PnP Recap:

Last week:
AJ: 3-3
Kyle: 1-2

Overall:
AJ: 8-12
Kyle: 1-7

This week:
AJ:

• Washington +6 vs. Stanford
• SF Giants (or Oakland A’s) at 12/1 to win the World Series

Kyle:
• Oregon State +12.5 @ USC
• LA Dodgers (9/5) or LA Angels (9/2) to win the World Series

How the 2014 MLB All-Star Game got Blue Crushed®

Invariably and almost irrevocably, every time I start to feel a little bored agitated by a sporting event of great import (the NBA Finals, the NHL Playoffs, the Super Bowl, the Valero Alamo Bowl …the PDC Darts Championship) I find myself scanning through the 700 channels.

And I find Blue Crush is on premium cable.

Blue Crush vs. Major Sporting Event happens so often I’ve developed a Countdown to Switching Over to Blue Crush Point Deduction System™ (works especially well on Fox broadcasts).

Every major sporting event starts with 100 poitns. If it falls below 50, I’m allowed to watch Blue Crush until Faizon Love’s ‘Da nah nah naaah’ scene. If the score falls below 25, I’m allowed to watch Blue Crush through the one-night-stand with the Pro Bowl quarterback scene. If the score falls to zero (or below), I’m “forced” to watch Blue Crush through the closing credit gag reel.

Them’s the rules.

In other words, once enough points have been deducted from said sporting event’s watchability, it has officially been declared: Blue Crushed®.

It’s not that Blue Crush is the most special movie in the world*, it’s that, well, for my two-something hours of time invested, I get more enjoyment out of azure shots of Kate Bosworth fetching rocks from the bottom of the ocean back before she was all red lips, elbows and knee caps.

Below, my Point Deduction System (pat. pending) —or—how a sporting event can lose enough steam for me to switch over to BC quicker than you can say: “What do I want? Oh my god, I want Penny to quit smoking and go to college. I want, I want to be able to pay the phone, electric and rent in the same month. I want a girl to be on the cover of Surf magazine. It would be great if that girl were me, but any girl would do. I want… I mean I wish my mom would come home, and I really, really want to win Pipe Masters tomorrow, that’s what I want.”

Note: Each sporting event has its own unique set of “rules” that can also be easily modified to suit a drinking game, albeit, with baseball it’s never good to devise a drinking game with Joe Buck in the booth. You’ll be more blacked out than Dodger fans by the third inning.

On the occasion of the 2014 All-Star Game in Minnesota Tuesday night, the game’s first pitch was at 4:27 p.m. PST. As luck would have it, Blue Crush was starting on HBO West at 5 p.m.

By 5:13 p.m., the Point Deduction System enabled me to permanently click over just in time for Anne Marie, Eden, and Lena to get worked at Pipe in front of the locals before scurrying around the Ihilani Resort & Spa at Ko Olina in their hottest-maids-ever outfits.

• Joe Buck expectorates just prior to or after commercial break because he’s a beat off: -3

• Joe Buck makes dated pop culture reference that he tries to pass off as relevant (“This Cuban’s defection was a bigger game-changer than when Ted Danson started dating Whoopi.”) -5

• Joe Buck disapproves of players’ facial hair by making crass joke, “he’s a great hitter and an inspiration for all the homeless i step over when I’m in Oakland.” “I bet he’s the kind of people you see on public transit.”: -5

• Joe Buck admits to never enjoying any destination Southwest flies or any state that isn’t mostly buoyed by corn subsidies: -3

• Erin Andrews starts asking too-long questions like she’s in the “Is there anything you want to know about us” portion of a job interview: -4

• Erin Andrews tries to manufacture Richard Sherman emotion out of completely mundane moments and falling disarmingly short: “What were your thoughts when you were pulled with two runners on and nobody out?” A:”My thought was it’s the All-Star Game. It was nice to be out there and have fun, I guess.” -5

• …Erin Andrews doing it all in a first-job interview blazer: -6

• Longer-than-dinner in-game interview with (fill in blank of retiring Yankee here) runs over a key pitching change, the go-ahead run being scored, a wild pitch or use (or conspicuous non-use) of baseball’s replay. Nobody in the booth seems to mind.

• Fox teases to the “New Star of Sunday Nights” which is a sitcom knock-off of Two Broke Girls. (side note: why can’t anyone do a bad knock-off of Alf. it would stand to reason that it’s time for puppets—jewish alien puppets—to make a comeback. -12

• Speaking of Jewish Alien Puppets, Ken Rosenthal: -8

• Ken Rosenthal tries to evoke Costas by referencing Roberto Clemente when talking to anyone in a Pirates uniform: -4

• Troy Tulowitzki walks up to The Sign, by Ace of Base: +20

• Shot of animatronic Bud Selig: -4

• Shot of Mr. Burns and animatronic Selig sitting in same box: plus 38

• Joe Buck regales audience with stories of Selig’s tenure as commissioner but fails to mention ownership collusion, being complicit with the PED/Steroid era to save job post-strike but prosecuted it to the fullest extent of federal law when the tide of public opinion turned; then being complicit with it again; the 2002 all star game (ended in tie: his call), the World Baseball Classic; the amount he’s profited by his own policies as still-owner (shhhhh) of the Milwaukee Brewers Baseball Club (in spite of fake ownership transfer to his daughter and fake sale to Mark Attanasio); racketeering charges Selig faced for trying to contract the league and get rid of the Twins (leaving the Midwest market open for Brewers business only) in 2001; earning at least $14 million/year as commissioner for pretty much making it job one to screw the Astros and the A’s at every turn (strangely to the benefit of the Brewers, see: 2008 Playoffs): -12 (for each)

I guess assigning such high point totals to the omission of commissioner Selig’s transgressions in this, Melty Ice Cream Face’s last All Star Game, weighed the programming a little in Blue Crush’s favor.

Then again, it was a wholly more satisfying experience watching Anne Marie’s luau meltdown than the alternative: witnessing live the horror of the DH getting home field in this fall’s Fall Classic because Mike Trout hit a chopper up the line that third baseman Aramis Ramirez thought was foul ignored and didn’t make a play on.

Trout was MVP for that almost-hit that didn’t get replayed in the era of replay.

…But Anne Marie took home the quarterback, caught a monster wave at Pipe, got signed by Billabong AND scored the cover of Surf magazine.

*Blue Crush may not be the best movie in the world but it’s the best movie in the world directed by Cougar from Top Gun who looks like he landed on his feet after turning in his wings.

Boston wraps eighth world championship – No disrespect but …

No disrespect but …You just won your third World Series in less than a decade, so why are you already whining about next year?

No disrespect but …Your tight end’s still a murderer.

No disrespect but …Mark Whalberg’s in the new Transformers movie.

No disrespect but …Your town smells like the caaaah a week after you spilled coffee in it.

No disrespect but …We know it gets cold back there in February but it’s been in the mid-to-high 60s, so why were you all scarf and hatted up like the Fonz in winter?

No disrespect but …You groom your ski slopes with a Zamboni.

No disrespect but …Your MVP didn’t buy into that beard thing.

No disrespect but …Nobody at Cheers ever had a Boston accent.

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No disrespect but …Helmets and goggles? What, did Shaun White coordinate your locker room celebration?

No disrespect but …No matter how much you grope Erin Andrews she’s on the next flight back to the West Coast, kind of like, I dunno, every other normal girl from back there.

No disrespect but …Pound for pound, Mo Vaughn is still a better DH.

No disrespect but …Because you invented the Tea Party, I’m holding you accountable.

No disrespect but …You were more lovable when you were losers. See: Chicago.

No disrespect but …Plus Chicago is still sleeping next to the Stanley Cup.

No disrespect but …The only movie worse than that one about how your public school system is so bad they let Einstein with a bowl cut become a janitor was Scorsese’s romantic comedy about a love triangle between Vera Faminga, Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio.

No disrespect but …Most of us fell asleep during the third act of Argo and just took your word for it.

No disrespect but …It’s s-o-c-k-s

No disrespect but …Now for the next year/year-and-a-half, every time I go to the geeem or the baaaah, one of your expats is going to be dropping the hammer on his accent like he’s passing in the slow lane.

No disrespect but …At least this erases the memory of beating the Rockies in ’07; we all know that one didn’t count.

No disrespect but …Thank God last night’s celebration was well contained within city limits and there were no bridges for a Kennedy to drive off.

No disrespect but …Southie is more hipster-gentrified than Brooklyn.

No disrespect but …Hardly any of you are Irish anymore, so sober up.

No disrespect but …Last time Peter Gammons wrote a baseball column worth reading while pissing, Watergate was still the name of a hotel and we were arming the Taliban against Russia.

No disrespect but …At least you’ll always have Mutts Cutts. Nobody can take that away.

No disrespect but …Next time you coach that old-guy fan to get all underdog/nostalgic on TV, please remind him your payroll is creeping up toward $200 mil just behind the Yankees and the Dodgers.

No disrespect but …You can claim Aerosmith, the Pixies, NKOTB and The Cars but you also have to claim Godsmack.

No disrespect but …I still think you made a huge mistake by shipping Moonlight Graham back down to the minors after only one at-bat. Come on, give the kid a shot!*

*Ok, so what if Archie Graham was really a New York Giant? Then why did Costner take Vader to Fenway to see the scoreboa– ugh, never mind.

World Series – Games 3-5 – Ending on a techicality brings high ratings; Ortiz batting .733 and playing a position should bring end to DH

The best argument ever for the abolition of the designated hitter is a 37-year-old nightclub owner from the Dominican Republic with 431 career home runs, most of them as a DH.

By Andrew J. Pridgen

…But more on that in a minute.

First, the ratings:

Game three, the first World Series game to end on an obstruction call, (which is basically the equivalent of your younger brother getting frustrated enough to throw the Monopoly board and declare himself the winner even though the only thing he owned was Baltic Avenue) was a ratings bonanza.

Fox benefited from the back-and-forth of that game and upped its viewership 19 percent over last year’s game three (or, it could’ve been because last year’s game three was in San Francisco and everyone hates San Francisco because it’s in San Francisco.)

Fox also took the prime time win for game three and averaged more than 13.4 million viewers, up 15 percent from last year and the highest since 2010.

Game four Saturday continued that momentum, drawing 16 million to the network that gave you Man vs. Beast and The Swan.

The most-watched baseball game since game seven of the 2011 series, bumped the overall ratings through the first four games to an 8.4 household share making it the highest-rated World Series since 2009.

The ’09 World Series was between the Phillies and the Yankees, which means all the East Coast got to tune in, enjoy its native sons, then stay up to catch Sportscenter about the Red Sox’s initial offseason moves, perfect (btw, has anyone else completely forgotten that Matsui was the MVP of that World Series, that’s like Peter Criss being the MVP of KISS. Actually, maybe Peter Criss is the MVP of KISS.)

Though there was no end of game on an interference call or hidden ball trick or plucky short stop Tanner Boyle from the Chico’s Bail Bonds Bears scurrying around the field because he wasn’t done with his exhibition game yet, game five did feature the end of the discussion of whether there should ever be a DH in any league.

There shouldn’t.

The Red Sox proved this for the third-straight game on the away court of Busch stadium. They took down the Cards in a 3-1 victory as routine as a fly to shallow left and are taking it back to the land of Carla, Coach and Cliff to lock up the franchise’s hopeful eighth world championship at home.

BoSox ace Jon Lester Monday kept the Cards’ bats in check for the second time this series Series, giving up a single home run to Matt Holliday, the only red bird who decided to bring his bat home from Boston.

Lester went seven and two-thirds and was backed like The Boss by the big man, David Ortiz who continued his Perryian post-season roar at the plate.

Starting at first on the road, Ortiz collected three more hits in Game 5, including a run-scoring double, as his Series batting average swelled to a softball-guy-supersized .733.

.733 — playing a position.

(It’s an oft-noted baseball theory that players who are dialed in at the plate will do better to stay fielding a position, see: 2012 World Series MVP Pablo Sandoval who stayed at third in Detroit even though he could’ve lumbered off the bench away.)

…Ortiz, who has gotten nothing, if not more locked and loaded outside the friendly confines of Fenway, extended his streak of reaching safely in nine plate appearances, tying Billy Hatcher, who did it with the Reds in the ’90 World Series.

Papi also has a pair of home runs in the series, where he’s spent most of it in the field, posting an otherworldly slugging percentage of 2.017 en route to an MVP of his own should Boston wrap at home Wednesday.

“I was born for this,” Ortiz said postgame, though he didn’t specify whether “this” meant actually playing a position, being in the NL or fueling the argument for firing the forty-year-old baseball equivalent of prohibition: Rule 6.10.

Course, MLB’s own Annie Wilkes (sorry, it’s Halloween week) Bud Selig was the lone vote for the DH in ’72, the year before its adoption, so it’s still in place until his contract expires in January, 2015.

But if Sox manager John Farrell decides to cool Big P on the bench like a cup of Dunkin’ Original Blend Wednesday and Thursday, you can bet the would-be MVP erstwhile-first-baseman-back-to-DH will be in grave risk of braking that glass slipper and watching the away gang take two in his house and make way with the WS trophy.