Pints and Picks Week 7: Requiem for a Ball Coach and Rumple Minze

Each week during college football season DPB’s Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen pour on the prose with Pints and Picks™ who to wager and what to drink while doing it. Ladies and Gentleman, the man who last week wrote a love note to the Nevada Gaming Control Board and ended up giving them their best idea since Keno…Kyle Magin:

AJ,

Do you think the kids get why a big fuss is being made over Steve Spurrier’s sudden retirement? For anyone who came into sports fandom since Y2K, he’s been a washout in the NFL and a middling SEC head coach at South Carolina. To them he’s always been a has-been, results-wise.

But for those of us who remember: My God. In the 90s the Head Ball Coach was perhaps the most-feared sight to see on an opposing sideline. He took University of Florida football from a slimy southern backwater without an SEC crown to its name to a revered national program by winning a national title, six SEC titles, winning at least 9 games a year for 12 straight years, winning 10 games a year for six straight years and perennially scoring more than 500 points with his fun n’ gun offense. He’s the only Heisman winner to incubate another Heisman winner as a head coach and put more bodies in the NFL than CTE has taken out of it. At the zenith of his powers, his Gators were the Sunshine State program you least wanted to see on the schedule back when that was saying something. Where the booster-humpers at FSU and Miami did it with all the substance of an oil slick, Florida was a bomb and Spurrier was the tinkerer who connected the right wires just ahead of an explosion.

Look at his lone national title in 1997–Florida’s first. Spurrier’s Gators went into the game against Florida State having lost to the ‘Noles two games beforehand. Spurrier implemented a shotgun set to allow Heisman winner Danny Wuerffel more time to find his targets and the Gators scored only almost every possession they had on their way to 52-20 victory. It takes brass balls to tweak the offense on a team that lost one game all season and scored better than 50 points in seven games. But after Wuerffel chewed dirt for most of the first matchup against FSU, Spurrier re-tooled and instructed a group of 18-23-year-olds on how to run a new-look attack on the fly, then put up 52 on the best team in the land.

When Spurrier was hungry, before he became more of a regular at Augusta than he was on the recruiting trail, before Dan Snyder and Marcus Lattimore’s knees sucked out his love of the game, nobody was more intimidating in college football. It’s a shame that most millennials will only remember the HBC for strolling the sidelines at Columbia between golf rounds and looking perpetually tan, rested and ready for almost, not-quite-there campaigns (a fantastic 2013 notwithstanding).

Kyle,

I know you’re going to find this suuuuuper hard to believe, especially in light of my nearly every-other-day stroll down memory lane these last couple weeks (I’m also thinking about visiting a Porsche dealership, strongly considering hair plugs and in the process of taking out a second to afford Veneers as I price out pool cabanas at the Wynn for Super Bowl weekend), I have a little nostalgia snippet involving Spurrier’s Gators.

Back during the halcyon days of HBC’s Florida (think post-Wuerffel /pre-Tebow…the Rex Grossman Years) my buddies and me frequented a bar in North Beach called Shannon’s, kitty-corner from Eastside West and Beach Blanket Babylon near Greenwich and Fillmore. Note: If a reader knows what’s in that space right now, please comment below.

Shannon’s was divey and sticky and always had that bar-y morning-after smell even the day of. Pitchers started around $3 and the food was over-portioned for the amount of drinking that was being done which resulted in a lot of, um, premature evacuations in the easily accessed back alley. It always had the exact same lighting as 1 a.m. no matter what time of day, so there was no guilt associated with such actions.

As a couple Oregon alumns a few years older than me made it their spot to watch the program’s ascent through the Bellotti years, it became a second home on fall Saturdays.

But there was a problem: Transplanted Florida fans of a similar age had already staked their claim.

They were a raucous if not uniform bunch. Annoying in their white hats, white shirts, white jeans looking like they were about to board a plane to Guyana with Jim Jones one week and alternately looking like understudies from the Blue Man Group the next. In retrospect, it was more of a thing that they knew how to college football just slightly better than the somewhat bedraggled and (still) flannel-wearing scrubs from Eugene. Maybe we were just jealous. Or maybe it was just the awfulness of the Gator Chomp.

Fortunately for Shannon’s, the Florida game was usually the early morning undercard and the Oregon game was the late-afternoon/evening tilt. And the universities themselves had as much chance playing one another as Alabama does throwing a big five conference school on its early season schedule.

Our interactions evolved: It went from drunken and intentional shoulder bumping as they were on the way out/we were on the way in, to trash talking over the trough urinal to that magical day when my buddy Brian, you know, your typical hyper-kinetic young self-anointed Master of the Universe who worked a fledgling job in finance but still made more than the rest of us combined—or at least acted like it—convinced me and a couple others to come to the bar with him early one Saturday. “I’ve got a plan.”

I (still) don’t know what his actual plan was, but the execution went something like this: Brian came in, threw down his MBNA card and ordered a dozen pitchers. I helped him carry them upstairs and we set one on each Gator fan’s table and Brian introduced himself. After he made his rounds, they invited us to stay. After the game, we invited them to stay.

And so it went, for about three seasons to follow, I was a Gators-Ducks fan. And I’d like to think that to this day Brian still has some of those guys in his book of business.

Now, every time I turn on the a.m. SEC matchup to serve as background to pancake-making or vacuuming and it happens to be Florida, I get that incredible/nervous-with-anticipation pit in my stomach. My mouth waters in a not-so-good but anticipatory way, like at any moment someone is going to shove a Rumple Minze shot in my hand with a plastic-cup warm Bud Light chaser. The Pavlovian itch on the bottoms of my feet that radiates up through my spine about how long it might take me to run down to the bathroom should things go sideways, and what Plan B is should it be occupied or out of order makes my palms sweaty.

Those were the true days of my college football fandom Kyle. And Spurrier’s retirement, along with Oregon’s return to dormancy (or at least doormat-cy), signals something I can’t quite identify.

…Now back to pricing out that 2016 Macan.

AJ,

Rumple Minze inspires a burn in my throat and a subconscious heave to this day. I understand the cold sweat.

Another development inciting sweat is this weekend’s Michigan State-Michigan game in Ann Arbor. For more than a few years now the balance of power in the state has tilted the 6-0 Spartans’ way, which is a truly strange development for anyone associated with the blood feud. For a long time it wasn’t whether or not State would lose, but by how much. Then during the Rich Rodriguez and Brady Hoke administrations in Ann Arbor, Michigan State’s fans got to enjoy an almost annual demolition of Michigan and whatever bumblee-looking jerseys they decided to wear to their annual funeral. Now that Jim Harbaugh is in charge, and 5-1 Michigan’s defense has pitched three straight shutouts, I’m nervous and I think much of Spartan nation is as well. State has looked shaky at best this season behind a nicked-up offensive line and young, porous secondary. Stops have come only when they’ve had to, not when they could demoralize a team and cement a blowout or even really a comfortable win. If this game took place in a vacuum, I’d be frightened.

But it doesn’t.

Nothing about Michigan State-Michigan is context-free. Slights dating to before the Civil War, when Michigan attempted to block Michigan State’s very inception, are written into a text that now includes Michigan fans tarnishing the statue of Magic Johnson ahead of Saturday’s showdown. Real, honest-to-God rivalries have a way of cooling off a favorite and fueling an underdog, of giving somebody with no business covering the man across from him a shot of adrenaline, and conversely, of giving a solid player the yips. Many of these kids playing Saturday grew up in the state of Michigan, and they’ll be hearing it all week from friends, family and acquaintances on both sides of the green/blue divide. I expect both teams to come out tight. I expect…

Michigan State +8 @ Michigan

Look, set aside the narrative and you have a pretty classic Big 10 matchup on your hands here. Michigan’s strength is on the defensive side of the ball, where they have held opponents to just 38 points this year. They dominate time of possession by nearly 9 minutes and squash opponents on third down, allowing just a 19 percent conversion rate this season. Opponents get just 2.2 yards per rush. Michigan State’s strength is its offense, which has been surprisingly resilient given the injuries to standout offensive linemen Jack Conklin and Jack Allen. The Spartans average 13.7 yards per catch, have given up just four sacks, and average 4.4 yards per carry. QB Connor Cook has been picked just twice this year against 12 touchdowns and the Spartans have lost just one fumble all season. If it’s not always a flashy attack, it is safe and efficient. Contrast that with Michigan’s offense which feasts on its run game but struggles with turnovers (three lost fumbles, six interceptions) and often trades high-risk passes for potential highlights from shaky QB Jake Rudock when it has to rely on him, which wasn’t much at all last week as the UM defense and run game did a lot of the heavy lifting in a blowout versus Northwestern. Michigan State has the better scoring defense (41 points this year) and I’d look for them to pressure Rudock on at least a few series into a bad decision. Saturday may not go the Spartans’ way, but they do cover.

AJ, Back over to you before we add a little wrinkle to this week’s proceedings…

Kyle,

Well, your wish is the Nevada Gaming Control Board’s command. It’s like they straight-up read your column last week and decided to do something about it. I’m referring, of course, to the board banning Draft Kings and FanDuel and lesser scams fantasy sites for real money in the Battle Born state. Nevada joins 11 other states in the ban, but certainly their ruling will be the most influential (think California with gay marriage). So, everyone should fall in line and these sites will eventually be subjected to the same rules and regulations as everyone else who’s trying to lift your wallet while distracting you with wings and beer and boobs and then, and only then—will the ads start to go away.

I thought the reaction from FanDuel was rather funny: On behalf of our users in Nevada, FanDuel is terribly disappointed that the Nevada Gaming Control Board has decided that only incumbent Nevada casinos may offer fantasy sports. This decision stymies innovation and ignores the fact that fantasy sports is a skill-based entertainment product loved and played by millions of sports fans.

Skill-based? Innovation? Oh lordy lordy lordy. That’s like a food blogger claiming ordering your extra meal for take-home from Olive Garden takes an advanced degree in the culinary arts. At least the FanDuel marketing intern turned on the thesaurus and replaced “is being a dick to” with stymies…a favorite word.

(Wipes breadstick crumbs off hands…)

OK, now that that’s taken care of, let’s get to a pair of quick picks that are officially codified and sanctioned by the gaming board:

Utah -7 vs Arizona State

This is one of a pair of Pac-12 headscratchers Kyle. As much as I thought Cal would keep it a one-possession/one-score game at Rice-Eccles is how adamant I am that Utah goes up by 10 at the half and then stretches its legs against the Sun Devils from there. ASU has a bit of an identity problem this year. A pre-season top-10 and playoff hopeful, they got smacked around by Texas A&M to open the season, barely escaped the visiting Cal Poly Mustangs and then two weeks later were notched on Sark’s bedpost as the last victory as Trojan HC 42-14.

In the meantime, Utah’s been nothing short of perfect, ruining Harbaugh’s debut with the Wolverines (which a lot of people are already forgetting about) and running the table since. Utahns know how to eat hamburgers, wear red, yell loud and say endearing things like “oh my…heck.” It’s true. Look for the Utes to come up big and break that 0-4 streak (winless since they joined the Pac-12) against the Sun Devils with their pass rush alone; and if you need any more convincing, just think about what damage Utah RB Devontae Booker (averaging of 133 yards per game) can inflict on the Sun Devils’ cheesecloth front seven and mired secondary. It’s going to be a long flight back to Tempe.

Washington +2 vs Oregon

I just…I don’t know. This one seems to be the Nevada thinktank making it WAAAAAY TOO easy on me. Maybe it’s a make-up for the Cal-Utah push last week. Maybe this is like rewards points for sticking with the oddsmakers and not being tempted by the FanDuels and Draft Kings acting as the supermodel arm of the #girlsquad beckoning me to come over wearing nothing but a clever grin and a Spirit Halloween pop-up naughty nurse’s outfit. Dunno. I could break it down by position (starting with HC Chris Peterson) why the Huskies are in every way superior to Oregon this year—plus they’re at home…plus they’re hungry (haven’t notched a W in the rivalry since Bad Boys II was in theaters)…but I’m just going to go with a more general narrative: Oregon football over the last decade has staked its claim on two things: 1) marketing and 2) speed. Their most offensive uniform combo of all time (unironically trying to honor Native Americans and shooting victims at once—I can’t make this shit up) in last week’s home loss to Wazzu displays the nadir there. And HC Mark Helfrich now has a trio of scout offense QBs steering his hapless Ducks into what I call a “Flex Running-Scared” offense. It makes for brutal television.

Washington and the moneyline. Bet the rent.

Kyle, I heard Lamar Odom isn’t the only one addicted to crack (too soon?) And by that I mean the crack of the bat…

AJ,

Too true my friend, too true. As much as I’m enjoying this season of college football, I’m so firmly in orbit around baseball’s thrilling playoffs that I’m going to have to science the shit out of some LCS picks this week.

You and I talked this week about how baseball’s final four is almost perfect despite the fact that our rooting interests are taking in October either next to Kate Upton on a Harley or finding inner peace. Toronto is full of big boppers and brings an entire nation to the party as its +1. Chicago is your adorable chubby buddy with the red cheeks and good jokes who you hope can finally hit off with the hot chick who sorta looks like she’s digging him. The Mets just have really great hair and an adoring media who’ll help hold the NFL at bay for a few weeks longer. What KC lacks in star appeal or good-natured goofiness (he’s a bit of an asshole, truth be told) is the fact that he can probably needle Toronto into a fight or four before this whole thing is over.

All told, it’s a hell of a shindig and the lead-up has been nothing short of extraordinary. With the one-game wildcard and close races for the final spot in both leagues, we’ve essentially witnessed a 50-day sprint to this point in the postseason. So fill your Solo cup at the keg and come on in…

ALCS Game 1: Toronto -112 @ Kansas City

This bet won’t make you much money, but it’s a smart one. Blue Jays Game 1 starter Marco Estrada seems to rely on his fairy godmothers to pitch to contact as frequently as he does without surrendering gargantuan long balls. Just three Royals have ever eked out an extra base hit against the Mexican righty, and he’s bedeviled table-setter Jarrod Dyson (2ks this season) and table-clearer Mike Moustakas (3ks). Estrada took two no-nos into the 8th inning this season specifically because he induces a lot of poorly-hit dribblers his rock-solid defense can vacuum up.

NLCS Game 1: Chicago +108 @ New York Mets

I wonder how Jon Lester will feel about being the only adult in the room at the Citi Field tomorrow? The veteran of October battles as a Red Sox starter enters the game with a 1-0 record in two starts versus the Mets this season–the Cubs won both contests. Outside of Curtis Granderson, who has been stunningly effective against both Lester and Game 2 starter Jake Arrieta, none of the Mets with a sizeable amount of at-bats against the lefty have mustered more than a single RBI. Matt Harvey goes for the Mets against the Cubs, who have gone big (6 regulars are hitting better than .333 against him) in limited ABs while also whiffing quite a bit (he K’ed 9 North Siders in their only meeting this year, a no-decision). I think the Cubs are an unstoppable force, though. You’re just not going to find an inning when you don’t face somebody–Kyle Schwarber, Kris Bryant, Anthony Rizzo, Jorge Soler, Dexter Fowler, Addison Russell, etc.–who can’t tee off on you.

Enjoy the games and have a great weekend.

The PNP Recap:

Kyle

Last week: 1 and 3

Overall: 11 for 21

Michigan State +8 @ Michigan

ALCS Game 1: Toronto -112 @ Kansas City

NLCS Game 1: Chicago +108 @ New York Mets

AJ

Last week: Push (Cal lost by exactly 6)

Overall: 12 for 16 (and one tie)

Utah -7 vs Arizona State

Washington +2 vs Oregon

Pints and Picks Week 5: Buffaloes, Bulldogs and catfish fistin’ (not fishin’)

Each week DPB’s Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen pour on the prose with Pints and Picks™. Who to wager and what to drink while doing it. Here then, the man who will pick Fresno State ATS till the mercury dips to double-digits in the Valley…Andrew J. Pridgen:

Well Kyle,

While the Folsom Street Fair was reddening cheeks in the city giant airbnb pin formerly known as San Francisco Saturday, the real flogging was up in Eugene.

By now you well know my feelings on being a Duck for the better part of the last quarter century and I’m pretty sure if #wearyourflannel on Ducks game day doesn’t start trending, well, call a sitter and put me in my PJs because all my work will have been in vain.

I guess the giant bison in the room is will I stick to my guns and pick Colorado to take down the Ducks this week? In other words, will Oregon take it back to the year 1990, when Bill McCartney steered his powerhouse buffs to an 11-1-1 (yeah, they tied Tennessee the first game of the season somehow) to no. 1 on charts? Or will the ‘real’ Oregon stand up and take back the night in the middle of the Pac-12 North pack?

Kyle, I’m sure you can guess which way I lean. My preseason prediction hubris notwithstanding, it’s just terribly hard to take Oregon on the road with that defense and spot the opponent two scores…unless the destination is Fresno (more on the Ducks and Dogs below).

Till then, to kick you off I have a question for you—debated by a couple of my buddies and me during Qs 3 and 4 of Saturday’s Autzen massacre: Would you watch football, college football namely, if you had to do it sober and/or without friends? And what percent of your picking a game to attend is based on the food and drink opportunities of the host city?

Again, like Amy Schumer with her UTI jokes, you probably know where I’m going with this, but to quote all linkbait…part of my answer—may surprise you.

Kyle?

AJ,

I would watch football if I had to do it sober and without friends. It’s an unfortunate skill I picked up while being one of the few dorm residents at a nonfootball commuter school where many people evacuated campus on the weekends AND I only had enough booze to get me through Friday night. We’ll always have Beer Lake though, won’t we, OU? YOU CHANGED THE NAME!?

/Sobs

Where was I? Oh yes, I would watch college football sober and alone because I generally dislike people and drinking by yourself isn’t nearly as cool as George Thorogood makes it sound.

To your second question, I would say the food/drink opportunities in any city are at least 60 percent of the reason I choose to attend any game. The other 40 percent breaks down thusly:

20% Atmosphere (i.e. any game at the Rose Bowl, a game between the hedges, any Valley (Death or Happy), any game I can sailgate at)

10% Matchup (as much as I’d like to attend a game in Baton Rouge, the odds of finding an open weekend colliding with an LSU showdown against the North Georgia Appalachian Mud Squids is too high to really consider)

10% Timing (As someone who covers college football semi-seriously, it’s almost irresponsible to actually attend a game, especially on a weekend full of good matchups like this one. I’d rather not miss Auburn returning a last-second blocked field goal against Alabama because I actually went someplace and interacted with some people while watching one game like some sort of well-balanced person. GIVE IT ALL TO ME ON THREE DIFFERENT DEVICES.)

Food and drink, though, are the flame for my moth. I’d otherwise have no call or desire to visit Oxford, Mississippi except that it provides the off-chance on getting smashed on juleps with Wright Thompson. Franklin’s or Rudy’s are the only goddamn delicious brisket-y reasons to go to Austin on a gameday anymore. I’ve long entertained this daydream of being invited onto a boat docked outside of the University of Washington’s Husky Stadium to judge a top-secret salmon smoke-off. I could give a rat’s ass if the school replaced football with cricket, honestly.

Think about it: You have expendable income (we’re firmly in hypothetical territory right off the bat, here) and you have the choice between Clemson-Florida State in Tallahassee or Kentuck-Vandy in Nashville? I’m choosing a post-game night of karaoke and beer at Winner’s every damn time. Why suffer through some meal of catfish a hillbilly just fisted in Norman when you could enjoy some the finest beer, cheese and sausage in all creation in Madison? Food and drink are a major consideration when I travel anywhere, but especially when I travel for football. If you’re going to attend something that could end up as a 9-6 field goal battle or a 70-2 blowout, you may as well ensure you’re going to have a great time and eat well while doing it.

AJ, back over to you.

Kyle,

Sorry for putting you through that why you watch/where would you go? exercise. It’s a little like if I could jump into the DeLorean and hand teen Kyle a Maxim circa 2002 and ask who you would want to date (<–euphemism) Amanda Peete, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Tara Reid or Eliza Dushku? In other words, it was sort of an antiquated, vague and unattainable premise in the first place.

But it wasn’t for nothing.

…I was asking because my tiny family and I have entered what I like to call the Birthday Party Era. It’s what comes between the Awkward Co-worker Drinks That Can Turn Really Awkward and the Asleep By the Second Segment of Wheel era(s).

We checked out a two-year-old’s birthday party last week when there was at least one second-tier SEC matchup to be viewed and (on a more personal note) Barry Zito and Tim Hudson were squaring off for the final time.

The party itself was pretty boring. And I’m not saying that based on the fact that all 2-year-old birthday parties are boring-slash-things you just sort of have to do, like pulling over when your oil light comes on or letting the old lady take the Kirkland chimichanga sample before you at Costco even if it means you have to wait for another batch to come out of the microwave and be cut with scissors. I’m saying this because even for a 2-year-old’s birthday party (see: grading on a steep curve of low low, low expectations) it was pretty drab.

The actual guest of honor was there, which was cool. She kind of freaked out a little or at least looked like she would have rather been anywhere else in the world including Nordstrom Rack on a Saturday afternoon during a Friends and Family sale at that very moment a crowd of people crept up on her and sang and then expected her to demolish a coconut cake the size of her head (note: I’m really not sure if the kid even likes coconut).

Beyond this, there were some pictures of her on a tree for whatever reason. The one highlight was there were some plastic shapey-things made in China that you were supposed to dip in a cookie sheet filled with water and dish soap for bubbles. But the sheet really just served as a pool for dead ant carcasses. My son was into putting his hand in that, so that was kind of a win for him.

The hosts—who also have a one-month old and basically look like every extra on that Walking Dead spin-off that nobody can figure out whether to admit they don’t like—tried hard to be non-hostile. And frankly, with two kids under two (plus in-laws), I don’t know how they kept it fully together. I ate a burnt hotdog and enjoyed a room-temperature Miller Lite, then walked home and resumed my Saturday.

So, you do your time and fantasize about Franklin’s, you know?

And I’m not saying mellow Saturdays at home, working a little in the yard, getting a nice run in during naptime and sneaking some of the ESPN scroll isn’t a blessing, but it’s all trade-offs.

But when I mentioned to the dad host of said party that maybe we could sneak down later and grab a $6 pitcher of Coors Light, the look in his eyes was pretty much the equivalent of someone phoning up Macaulay and telling him Mila Kunis dumped Ashton and there’s a Home Alone re-boot we’d like you to read. In other words, it’s funny how expectations and desires can sometimes shrink down enough to square dance on the head of a pin.

…And even then seem lofty.

Which is an all-caps PERFECT segue to the Oregon Colorado game. Several of you kind readers and bettors know my strange feelings of euphoria that (literally) rained down on me like a November Tuesday in Lane County last week. It’s been in the works longer than Chinese Democracy, but I think the carriage finally turned back into a lovely decorative gourd for the Ducks last weekend.

And I couldn’t be happier.

Preseason, Kyle, I predicted the Buffs would ‘Win the Day’ in Boulder this year. And that wasn’t totally without merit.

Colorado +9 vs. Oregon

Oregon is only a little more than a touchdown favorite against a team that has won just one conference game in the past two seasons. Unranked for the first time this decade, the wounded Ducks flap into Boulder in need of a toke and a hot grinder from Snarfs. HC Mark Helfrich quizzically dropped the quote that will come back to haunt him should the spiral of his administration continue: “When you start digging a hole, realize you’re starting to dig a hole and drop the shovel, don’t hold on to the shovel,” Helfrich said. “Grab a bulldozer, grab something else.”

Last time I checked, bulldozers dig holes a lot faster and a lot deeper than shovels.

So, if that’s the way things are going for the Ducks—call it a correction. Call it a return to normalcy. Call it a rebuilding or re-tooling, then Colorado (3-1, winners of three straight) certainly is a school that, seemingly on the uptick ever-so-slightly, can be the ones rolling up with a Bobcat to help Helfrich widen that hole and have their statement game Saturday.

Oregon’s offense is a woeful tale of two uncertain quarterbacks. Graduate transfer Vernon Adams was playing knuckles in front of the girls’ locker rooms and busted one on his throwing hand. After a spark plug first drive in the second quarter when he came in to replace Adams, maid of honor under center Jeff Lockie steered the Ducks to eight straight possessions of DMV line-style football against the Utes; not scoring and not holding the ball long enough to give his defense a rest.

Add to that the injury of last year’s leading pass-catcher, Oregon senior receiver Byron Marshall, who was removed from the Ducks’ depth chart this week, and you’ve got a Buffalo D that can stack the box and focus solely on stopping Royce Freeman.

Speaking of that D, the Buffaloes have quietly crept to the statistical top of the conference thus far with 16.5 ppg and 341.2 yards allowed putting them in the top four just behind UCLA, Stanford and Cal.

When Colorado has the ball, there’s playmaking wideout Nelson Spruce and a chorus of running backs who’ve already amassed more than 200 yards each this season. They are, senior Christian Powell (245), sophomore Phillip Lindsay (243) and junior Michael Adkins (212). Oregon’s run defense was easier to cut through than a frozen yogurt line with a bunch of girls texting Saturday, and that basically opened up the opportunity for Utah to exploit an undersized and seemingly not-yet-ready for Pac-12 speed Oregon secondary.

Colorado and the money line.

OK Kyle, there you have it. A pick an entire offseason in the making. I’ll have a couple on the turnaround but now’s your turn to tell me about your birthday party.
AJ,

You’ve written some truly grim copy in your day, but I want to throw the father in the above story a life raft or at least think about donating some money to a Kickstarter for him to hire a babysitter. My God.

Speaking of grim, let’s turn our attention to Norman, Oklahoma, where the 3-0 Sooners will host the 3-0 West Virginia Mountaineers on Saturday. It’s both defensible and natural to assume that this’ll be a 65-56 track meet in pads as most Big 12 games tend to be. It’s only been three years since Oklahoma edged the Mountaineers in Morgantown by a score of 50-49 and allowed the home team 778 yards of total offense. In one game.

But I pulled my college football odds up for this week and what did I see staring back at me but an over/under of 59.5 points. That’s about 30 points per team–an epic defensive struggle in Big 12 terms, the type of thing that’ll make your average Big 12 fan bang out a furious email to the league commissioner suggesting defensive linemen count to 4-Mississippi before they start rushing. I had to investigate.

Low and behold, Mountaineer headman Dana Holgorsen and his skullet have located some phenomenal defense to go with WVU’s always productive offense. This season the Mountaineers have:

• Allowed 23 total points

• Scored 34 points off turnovers

• Allowed 17 rushing first downs (they’ve gained 34 rushing first downs)

• Picked off 9 passes

• Allowed 154 yards per game passing, which ranks No. 1 in the nation

• Forced 660 yards of opponent punting

To contextualize the above stats, West Virginia’s defense has been essentially as charitable towards opponents as the GOP is toward people on food stamps. And that’s why…

West Virginia +6.5 vs Oklahoma

Look, I get that OU is at home and the crowd will be fired up for a big game after a quiet slate in Norman to start the season. But the game was moved from a night date to an 11 a.m. start for TV–and that’s bad news for the Sooners. Holgorsen’s bunch hail from the eastern time zone and will be more acclimated to the early start, thus ready to punch OU in the mouth before the Kegs ‘n’ Eggs set files in during the first quarter. OU will have to lean heavily on RB Samaje Perine because this is not the sort of defense you turn QB Baker Mayfield loose against to bring home the bacon. Perine showed out last year against the Mountaineers–he went for 242 yards and 4 touchdowns–and the offense has been much more balanced this year, getting 371 pass yards per game as opposed to 203 in 2014. But, as evidenced above, this is an elite-level West Virginia defense, totally unlike the defenses Mayfield faced in Akron, Tennessee and Tulsa. On top of facing a defense who can take the ball away and score it, Oklahoma’s defense has to contend with Holgorsen’s offensive attack, which scores 89 percent of the time it reaches the red zone. It also features five receivers who average double-digit yardage per catch. I think that’s big because while OU’s pass defense doesn’t break much–they give up just 213 yards per game and 5.9 yards per pass attempt–they do break. The Sooners allow 12.1 yards per reception, something quarterback Skyler Howard and receiver Shelton Gibson (27.4 yards per catch!) can capitalize on. I’d guess the Sooners are chasing WVU all day.

Ohio State -21.5 @ Indiana

AJ, did you have any clue the Hoosiers were 4-0? Neither did I until this week. The folks in Bloomington put up a spirited battle to land College Gameday, and ESPN reportedly considered hosting the show there. That’s an absurd sentence and felt bizarre to type. Getting past Joey Bosa and the Ohio State defense will be infinitely harder and would be infinitely more absurd, though. The Buckeyes haven’t allowed a rushing TD in seven quarters (that’s the only one they’ve given up all season) and give up just about 120 yards per game. IU doesn’t feast on its run game–as a matter of fact, QB Nate Sudfield’s 1143 yards outpaces the team’s rushing output of 946–but the Hoosiers need the play-action game to set up their aerial attack. Good luck doing that against a team that allows 3 yards per rush, on average. The Buckeyes only get more suffocating as the game wears on. In the fourth quarter, opponents manage to convert just a quarter of their third downs, and not one has outpaced OSU in time of possession. Chances don’t come easy against the Buckeyes, and the Hoosiers’ luck runs out this weekend in Bloomington.

Ole Miss @ Florida Under 51

The SEC is the anti-Big 12. If somebody scores more than 30 points some backwoods state senator will take time out of his busy schedule of defending your right to carry an Uzi/spork to a kindergarten picnic to launch an official investigation. 4-0 Florida gives up just 18.2 ppg while 4-0 Ole Miss gives up just 19.2. Being as Ole Miss thoroughly thumped Alabama and Florida struggled against Kentucky, I think it’s safe to say the Rebels will be 5-0 leaving this game. But, I do think Florida’s 90,000 screaming jorts enthusiasts make it difficult for Ole Miss to move the ball late in the game. Watch for the under.

Alabama +1.5 @ Georgia

Georgia quarterback Greyson Lambert isn’t ready for the wood Alabama is going to bring on Saturday. You could put a screaming Athenian in every Sanford Stadium seat and have Michael Stipe belt out an angsty version of the fight song the entire time and Greyson Lambert still couldn’t muster the game necessary to beat the Tide on Saturday. The Virginia transfer simply hasn’t ever seen a defense like the Tide’s. The best pass defense he’s ever seen was probably Louisville’s last year–which allowed 6.3 yards per attempt–and he managed just 162 yards, a touchdown and an interception against them. Bama allows 5.3 yards per attempt and just 9.7 per completion. They’ll strangle that vaunted UGA rushing attack–the Tide allow just 2 yards per rush and 56.8 yards per game. That’ll put the game into Lambert’s hands, and while he’s a nice passer, the numbers tell us Mark Richt really doesn’t trust him all that much. He only gets about 17 attempts per game and they’re mostly safe routes to the sidelines or underneath. Watch Alabama put the pressure on Lambert and then watch him crumble underneath it.

AJ, close us out:

Kyle,

Apologies for the harrowing depiction of the birthday party. Without backpedaling too much, I think it’s more an exercise in finding joy in the mundane. I think what other generations understood better than the ones selfieing their way into meaningless data purgatory, is that life is never supposed to be back-to-back-to-back landmark/look-at-me-moments.

This time of overwhelming acceptance (and sometimes to the point where it can simply be ignored) narcissism is tell-tale. When walking back from the party this sort of wave of: the sun is out and the sky is clear and the day is nice and I don’t have really any other commitments or pressing needs besides being right here with these two people I love, right now—overtook me.

And that…well, that’s great, right? It’s not a moment I would ordinarily write about or post down people’s throats or say, ‘here, look at this—we exist’. Keeping that private, I sort of think, is the only thing that matters. Not to say that we couldn’t use a kid-free night in Vegas, or that I don’t have two days in March to Scottsdale (<– verb) quadruple-circled on my 2016 calendar, but there are so, so many things along the way that I can’t help but feel make it all worthwhile.

The fact that my son sat through an inning of baseball (dismal baseball at that: Cubs v. Reds) yesterday and didn’t fuss or kick down or reach for his little cars; the deer I saw who saw me while I was running trail this morning; there were fresh muffins in the kitchen when I got to work—all worthy of pause. Yep, I’m lucky to be able to go to (and survive) any old 2-year-old’s birthday party.

Speaking of lucky…

Notre Dame +2 @ Clemson

Ah, my FAVORITE week of the year, where Dabo’s Tigers get mauled in their cage to initiate their long slide toward the Russell Athletic Bowl. Unbeaten Clem’p’son is ranked no. 12 to unbeaten Notre Dame’s no. 6 and Dabo used his pulpit this week to take a few swipes at the domers’ independence. The evangelical HC, who has taken flack in the past from the Freedom from Religion Foundation for injecting  “voluntary” prayer into the state-funded school’s football program, is maybe worried that with all the Pope stuff going on, god (or GOD if you’re Dabo) really is on the side of the shamrocks whose church is something a little more grand than the ACC.

Divine intervention (in the form of 6-12 inches of rain by game time thanks to a hurricane named after my favorite Phoenix, Joaquin) notwithstanding, Notre Dame is without starting QB Malik Zaire and RB Tarean Folston. The Tigers returned less than a half-dozen starters from last year’s ultimately middling squad and lost no. 1 receiver Mike Williams in the opener against Wofford. Notre Dame has proven to have a little deeper depth (<–– yeah, I said that) and are using a bunch of balls blessed by Pope Frank himself. Look for a two-score Irish victory.

San Diego State -9 vs Fresno State

I’m going back to the betting-against-Fresno State free pot of money One. More. Time. Thus far this season, the Bulldogs have been my casino ATM without incurring the $5.29 fee. It’s been that bad for the Bulldogs mostly because they’ve matched up against opponents who are far better (Utah and Ole Miss) or rivals who are seemingly their equal, but also much better at, you know, football (San Jose State). Either way, Fresno’s yet to cover.

Prior to the season, there were high hopes for both 1-3 programs, but neither school has beaten an FBS opponent to date. So Saturday’s is more a battle of who’s really as bad as their record. The Bulldogs feature Marteze Waller at RB and QB Zack Greenlee is set to return, but Valley Pride has yet to move the chains this year. Even with a couple touted-and-healthy skill players, Fresno’s O-line is flimsier than an Eggo that’s sat on the counter for three hours. On the defensive side, San Jose State’s RB Tyler Ervin ran like an 11-year-old from a mall cop after he stole a Furbee from KB Toys (300+ yards last week) and Fresno State hasn’t given up fewer than 45 points in its last three match-ups (granted, two were against ranked opponents).

Look for SDSU’s defense to matter in this game. The Aztecs, who did a nice job stopping Cal for a half week 2, feature DT Alex Barrett and linebackers Jake Fely and Calvin Munson. DBs Damontae Kazee (junior) and J.J. Whitaker (senior) are corners who are more shut down than Borders. That combined with the Aztecs’ underrated front five will make the Bulldogs’ the first Fresnoids to ever want to swap the foamy shores of San Diego for the Valley heat mid-weekend.

The PNP recap:

AJ

Last week: 2 and 1

Season: 10 for 14

Colorado +9 vs. Oregon

Notre Dame +2 @ Clemson

San Diego State -9 vs Fresno State

Kyle

Last week: 2 and 2

Season: 8 for 14

West Virginia +6.5 vs Oklahoma

Ohio State -21.5 @ Indiana

Ole Miss @ Florida Under 51

Alabama +1.5 @ Georgia

 

 

 

Pints and Picks Week 4: Being in a long-distance relationship with Cal while crushing on BYU forces us to talk baseball and Hollywood Vampires instead

Each week, during college football season DPB’s Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen pour on the prose with Pints and Picks™. Who to wager and what to drink while doing it. Here, the boys are talking about Margot Kidder, Anne Murray and a potential World Series Game 1 matchup reflected in Texas A&M vs. Arkansas

Ladies and Gentleman, the man who has texted Sonny Dykes 14 times in a row with not as much as an emoji back…Andrew Pridgen:

Kyle,

What the fuck, Kyle Cal?!?! I spend all kinds of valuable work time vetting and sweating you…even getting all cozy with the idea of Sonny Dykes and—how do you thank me? You shit all over the spread and my pick.

I should’ve known. You’re Cal goddammit. At some point you looked around the silent as an STD clinic Darrell K Royal stadium on Saturday and were like, “whoa. Fuck. We’re winning.” Then you looked up at the scoreboard with none of the seconds left in the third quarter and did a little quick math—because you’re good at math, you’re Cal dammit—and were like: “Holy Fuck. We’re winning by a lot. Like, 21 points a lot.”

And then, for whatever reason, the whole Cal O-line went to queue up at Franklin Barbecue and the DBs went ahead and decided to shower up and go check out the Draught House before the line got ridiculous and Jared Goff was basically reduced to that one dude who’s been just DOMINATING at beer pong all night but has played so many games in a row that he’s fucking hammered and is starting to make bad decisions like trying to make out with every girl who’s passing by (because, you know, preternaturally she should feel his presence as the beer pong king) and all of a sudden he’s stumbling around looking lost and gets relegated to the ‘Is that dude OK’ part of the backyard where he’s either pissing FOREVER or puking—or both—and you think it’s probably mostly puking because he’s leaning against the corner of the fence with all the weight on his forearm that’s holding the rest of his limp body up by his scalp.

Anyway, that’s what I saw when Cal coughed up 20 in the fourth. The smooth-talkin’, hair slicked back, Axe body sprayed, Crest Whitestrips on the bathroom counter and ready to slay bro reduced to a mound of cargo shorts and RVCA shirt wondering what the fuck happened to the evening hat cocked all the way back as he scratches his head because someone stole his phone. Hell, the Bears were on so much autopilot most of the fourth quarter, I turned my attentions to the Mormon’s suddenly taking over Hollywood getting their idea for a Brian Jones biopic optioned, joining the Hollywood Vampires with Anne Murray (<– second AM reference this week) and just dominating from the Whiskey to the Rainbow—that I could hardly believe my eyes when the Cal final flashed and I’d realized…my run for the week 3 was over.

Anyway, our love affair (for now) is over Cal.

*Phew* deep breath.

Kyle, thanks for letting me drag that squirming to the edge and heave it off the cliff. Sometimes you just gotta vent and move on, look at the wonder of being on this side of the chalked up turf and thank God you’re not in a cardboard box with Margot Kidder. In the words of Keith Richards, It’s great to be here. It’s great to be anywhere…

AJ,

A few deep breaths, man. The nice thing about this week is there is so, so little to get worked up about. Were it not for the Pac 12’s two electric games–UCLA in Tuscon vs. ‘Zona and Utah-Oregon in Autzen–I probably wouldn’t watch any of this weekend’s matchups. BYU’s trip to Ann Arbor is probably the premier early-kick matchup and it really just goes downhill from there. The continued extinguishing of any goodwill Arkansas fans may have had for waddling pork rind depository Bret Bielema may go out the window when he gets mollywhopped by Texas A&M at Jerry World, so there’s a little hate-watching you can do. Besides that, though, it’s a dull weekend. Which is OK by me, because baseball is at its absolute regular-season zenith right now. The Yankees-Blue Jays games in Toronto this week did Yogi’s memory justice. The Cubs are being led by Midway Jesus Jake Arrieta in a bid to save the Windy City and it’s just plum fun to watch the wheels fall of the Astros’ “Process” bandwagon.

Since I’ve got seams on the brain, we’ll make that the theme of this week’s CFB picks:

BYU +4.5 @ UM

Best current baseball alum:

BYU: Jeremy Guthrie (‘09)

UM: Clayton Richard (‘05)

The nod goes to Guthrie when comparing the two schools’ big league offerings, which are slim right now. The Kansas City starter looks to be in the Royals’ rotation come playoff time, while Richard is a nice part for the Cubs to have in the bullpen.

Last week I stepped off the BYU horse and paid for it when they went into the Rose Bowl and came out with a 1-point loss, covering easily. I won’t make the same mistake twice, certainly not when the wheels are ready to fall off the Harbaugh machine in Ann Arbor after feasting on subpar opponents the last two weeks. BYU’s pass defense mostly held UCLA freshman QB Josh Rosen in check last week, meaning they shouldn’t have much of a problem with Michigan’s spare part rental Jake Rudock. I like the Cougars to cover in the Big House because nobody has pulled away from them yet.

NIU +4.5 @ Boston College

Best current baseball alum:

NIU: None

BC: Eric Campbell (‘08)

Slim damn pickins between these two cold-weather schools on the Diamond. Campbell is a reserve infielder for the Mets, which means he should be in baseball for roughly 100 more at-bats.

On the gridiron, however, this is maybe the most intriguing David/Goliath matchup of the weekend. You’ve just got to figure out who is who. BC comes from the bigger league but is pretty much a disaster on offense right now, having lost 14-0 to Florida State last week in a truly awful Friday night game to go to 2-1 on the season. The Eagles are down starting QB Darius Wade and are now forced to choose between a true freshman and a Flutie spawn (son Troy, because of course that’s his name) who’ll take over the reigns of an attack that is averaging 19 points per game against everyone not named Howard. The Eagle defense is stout, but are they enough to handle a 2-1 Husky attack that just held its own for four quarters against Ohio State? NIU averages 4.3 yards per rush and 12.6 yards per catch. They score touchdowns 90 percent of the time they’re in the red zone and haven’t failed to score once when they’re inside the 20 this season. Bet the #MACtion in Chestnut Hill.

Texas A&M -7.5 vs. Arkansas (Jerry World)

Best current baseball alum:

A&M: Michael Wacha (‘12)

Arkansas: Dallas Keuchel (‘09)

Holy shit, this is actually a possible World Series game 1 matchup. Wacha is of course the next in a seemingly endless line of Cardinals Aces and Keuchel is the one Houston Astro pitcher you really, really need to know.

Too bad the power of transference won’t work for his 1-2 Hogs this weekend. A&M is 3-0 and looking every bit the well-oiled Kevin Sumlin offense we’ve come to know and love. Aggies running back Tra Carson totes the ball for 4.8 yards per carry and while QB Kyle Allen isn’t the most accurate passer at a 61 percent completion rating, he is throwing for 8.49 yards per attempt and has 9 TDs to 2 INTs, so we’ll take the gunslinger shit for now. Plus, it’s not like the Razorbacks are really going to put the heat on him. Opponents complete over half their third downs against Arkansas, who haven’t managed a sack all season and just sort of lay there in the red zone, giving up TDs 80 percent of the time. If A&M doesn’t double the spread I’ll be surprised. Also, Fuck Bret Beilema.

UCLA -3 @ Arizona

Best current baseball alum:

UCLA: Gerrit Cole (‘11)

Arizona: Mark Melancon (‘06)

Where would the Pirates be without the Pac-12? Without their current ace or closer, who strike out nearly 9 and 7 batters per 9 innings, respectively. They’re both tremendous arguments for the conference, which is probably the best all-around sports league in the land, hands-down.

This one was a tough pick for me. 3-0 UCLA goes into its first real adverse situation on Saturday in a couple of ways. First and most important, they’ll be in Tuscon, with Gameday in tow, to see a 3-0 Arizona team with a probably-good defense an incredibly finely-tuned offense. Secondly, they’ll be seeing that offense without star middle linebacker/running back Myles Jack, who closed out last week’s win over BYU with an interception then blew out his knee Tuesday in practice. It’s almost unspeakably sad to lose Jack, who has been the team’s and the league’s most entertaining star since he stepped on campus as a true freshman in 2013. That said, Arizona hasn’t seen anything like UCLA yet. The Wildcats have run RichRod’s spread to a T over the likes of UTSA, Nevada and Northern Arizona, who have a combined 0 wins of Div. 1 opponents this season. The Bruins are nobody’s idea of a cupcake. They went to war with a game BYU squad last week and snuck out on top. Rosen looked awful last week against the Cougars–he threw 3 picks against 1 TD–but his defense has sacked opposing QBs 7 times this season and led the way for a squad scoring 35 points off of turnovers. UCLA also adjusts as well as anyone in the nation leading the half–they’ve scored 38 points in the third quarter compared to 7 for the opposition. If things go wrong early, they won’t stay that way. Wildcat QB Anu Solomon is the truth for Arizona but he holds the ball for too long and has been sacked four times before getting to the red zone this season, a telltale sign that he’s getting caught looking for a long bomb. Those routes don’t materialize often against the UCLA D (they give up just 179 passing yards per game, usually on short underneath routes), so take the Bruins and expect an exciting affair.

AJ, what are your thoughts on this week?

Kyle, I too have a bit of a case of the Week 4 doldrums. Maybe it’s a little bit my dysfunctional long-distance relationship with Cal (see: above and below). Maybe it’s my mind turning back to baseball as well as I have my MLB.TV set to stun tomorrow for the Huddy/Zito showdown—the most meaningful A’s/Giants game since an earthquake came and changed the fates of both teams, their fanbases and respective bergs (the A’s can eliminate the Giants from contention Saturday; so Zito’s start isn’t just a well-timed gimmick).

…Or maybe it’s just the lackluster matchups and still being a week away from meaningful conference play.

So, after a couple days squeezing these lemons, I did come up with a few attractive buys, they are:

Oregon State +17 vs. Stanford 1) I don’t think OSU is as bad as they showed in Michigan. 2) I don’t think Stanford’s as good as they showed in the second half against USC. 3) Never ever ever ever ever (ever)…take Stanford as three-score favorites on the road.

In their last five meetings, the no. 21 Cardinal are 5-0 against the Beavs. Though I do think OSU could pull the upset depending on which Kevin Hogan—last week’s Pac-12 player of the week or the one who ran scared from Northwestern’s front five— shows up at Reser Stadium (or whether Hogan is eligible to play at all after suffering an ankle sprain last Saturday in Watts). The Friday night game also swings the pendulum Oregon State’s way as Stanford comes off a short week and back-to-back conference away games.

Crafty OSU freshman QB Seth Collins, who finally looked like he could run a collegiate offense in the second half last week against SJSU, is still ranked last in the Pac-12 when he tries to take to the sky. Stanford’s staunch secondary won’t enable him to pad those stats. With Stanford weak on the run and the Beavs’ ground game suddenly working thanks to the personal injury firm of Storm Barrs-Woods, there should be some points on the Beavs’ side of its pixelated scoreboard in the first half and the second is a coin toss.

San Jose State -4 vs. Fresno State

It would be too easy to take a dig as the battle of the schools you attend when you’ve wasted two years being a Phoenix and you want to keep your shift manager job at Fashion Fair Cheesecake Factory (apologies to Stevie Nicks, SJSU and Sam Peckinpah, FSU) while finishing school—but I’m not here to tie any firecrackers to the tails of any Bulldogs or shields of Spartans; instead I’m here to talk about why the 1-2 Bulldogs are much worse than advertised and the 1-2 Spartans are much better.

SJSU QB Kenny Potter was booted up this week like a Prius parked in front of a fire hydrant, but should still start in Fresno. If not, the Spartans have capable backup in senior Joe Gray and a prospect that may be worth watching in third-stringer Malik Watson.

Fresno State has been my go-to patsy thus far this year. They didn’t come within two scores of covering against Utah last week—small redemption for my fourth quarter Cal fizzle—and have yet to show they can move the chains at all this year. I expect that to continue, even against a mostly young and porous SJSU secondary. The Spartans win by seven.

Cal -1 @ Washington

Well, Cal. I’m back. Miss me?

I know we had a little rough correspondence at the beginning of the week and I know I was a little harsh. But you also didn’t return my calls Saturday night. I know you were out in Austin with ‘reservations’ at Midnight Cowboy or whatever, but c’mon. I’m showing you all the love and I don’t feel like I’m getting much in return.

In other words, when I text edyou after that game with: ‘Great win on the road. But, like—what happened at the end…it was a more phoned in third act than the last Avengers movie?’ and you don’t say anything…well—my feelings get a little hurt (and I SAW the ellipses at 2 a.m. that showed you were writing a reply so don’t think that I don’t know you weren’t thinking about me).

And I know you needed some time to re-focus a little…and that’s fine. I just. I don’t know. Just tell me if I’m coming on too strong, I guess.

Anyway, that said. I’m all about moving forward. This week I think you having to go up to face Washington in Seattle is a bit of a task. You’re on the road—again—and Chris Petersen is truly a wit. If not for the Rosen One in Westwood my message boards would be all about Husky freshman QB Jake Browning. Last week, Washington also found a big play maker in junior tailback Dwayne Washington in the second half against Utah State. Washington checked in with more than 130 yards on the ground and in the air (OK, so it was only two on the ground) and promises to be nimble again this week at home.

What you’re seeing from the Huskies now that you didn’t see in week one on the Smurf turf is that they can create and Browning can now run more of Peterson’s signature moving sets a la his mid-’00s Boise State teams; see: pitch to the RB, lateraled back to Browning for a 20-yard completion in last week’s first half.

Peterson will try to stack his team on one side of the hash marks (#hashmarks) or the other to throw Cal’s defense off kilter. Cal has a solid D-line and future first-rounder in Hardy Nickerson (Jr.) conducting the jazz ensemble…but look out for that long ball.

Cal secondary’s pair of Darii (senior Darius White and sophomore Darius Allensworth) are more prone to wideouts streaking on them than a pair of squeegees as HC Sonny Dykes is starting to sub in junior Antoine Albert and freshmen Malik Psalms and Jaylinn Hawkins to try to shag a few in the outfield.

To offset, Cal’s pass rush is becoming formidable and if Nickerson can instruct his corps to (yes) stay home and not get fooled by a Freshman, the Bears head back to Memorial undefeated for an Oct. 3 date with another magician, Mike Leach and his Wazzu Cougs.

If this doesn’t happen…we’re breaking up. For good this time. Swear. Double-swear.

PNP Recap:

AJ:

Last week: 2 and 1

Overall: 8 for 11

Oregon State +17 vs. Stanford

San Jose State -4 vs. Fresno State

Cal -1 @ Washington

Kyle:

Last Week: 2 and 2

Overall: 6 for 12

BYU +4.5 @ UM

NIU +4.5 @ Boston College

Texas A&M -7.5 vs. Arkansas (Jerry World)

UCLA -3 @ Arizona

The Big 12 is so stupid

Did you go to college in Kansas? If so, how are you reading this right now?

By Kyle Magin

We compiled a probably-not-totally-accurate ranking of the power five college football conferences (full members only, but the ACC didn’t really need Notre Dame) by acceptance rates: the percentage of lazy high school applicants each U lets in.

One thing stood out in our research: if you didn’t get into Kansas (92.3 percent acceptance) or Kansas State (95.9 percent acceptance), congratulate yourself for understanding and hopefully feeling shame once you comprehend either of those figures. Arizona and ASU grads should stop giggling at that and get back to the caddy shack.

If you went to school on either coast, you’re probably a high academic achiever. The SEC, outside of Vanderbilt and, oddly enough, Florida, will let pretty much anybody in. Big Ten grads can rest easy knowing that their most accepting school (Iowa) is still pickier than the flooziest U in every conference but the ACC. Colorado may have broken with the Big 12 on the football field, but in the classroom they’re still every bit as welcoming as their dustbowl neighbors.

Let’s take a look at how stupid your conference is:

ACC

Average Acceptance Rate: 46.11

Valedictorian: Duke, 13.4 percent

Dunce: Louisville, 71.2 percent

Competitive schools lined up alongside the nation’s populous Eastern Seaboard makes the ACC the choosiest conference in college football. How, then, is this the league where Jimbo Fisher is employed?

Standouts: Duke, UNC (27.6), UVa. (30)

Big Ten (14)

Average Acceptance Rate: 56.06

Valedictorian: Northwestern, 15.3 percent

Dunce: Iowa, 80.2 percent

As much as I hate the league’s expansion onto the East Coast, Maryland (47 percent) actually improves its academic standing and offsets the inflated figures for some long-time members. It’s important to note the Unabomber went to Michigan.

Standouts: Northwestern, Michigan (33.3), Minnesota (44.4)

Pac-12

Average Acceptance Rate: 57.04

Valedictorian: Stanford, 5.7 percent

Dunce: Colorado, 87.7 percent

Two friends of mine who are Buffs grads are adamant that the school maintains such a high admissions rate because so many qualified out-of-state students apply and the school is loath to turn down their increased tuition. I think green passes are being accepted at the Boulder admissions office. This is all terrible for Stanford, which is the toughest Big 5 school to get into by a long shot and is also the toughest school to get into in the nation.

Standouts: Stanford, Cal (18), USC (19.8)

SEC

Average Acceptance Rate: 62

Valedictorian: Vanderbilt, 12.7 percent

Dunce: Auburn, 82.7 percent

If I would have told you before this exercise that Auburn is more difficult to get into than Colorado, you would have choked on your bong rip. Also, while Vanderbilt is the second most difficult school to earn acceptance to on this list, going there means heading to the same educational institution that willingly pursued Lyla Garrity, who proved her stupidity by dating Tim Riggins multiple times.

Standouts: Vanderbilt, Florida (46.5)

Big 12

Average Acceptance Rate: 72.36

Valedictorian: Texas, 40.2 percent

Dunce: Kansas State, 95.9 percent

I don’t even know what to say about the Kansas schools except that they make West “Fuckin’” Virginia (85.1), a school renowned for its couch burning and critical mass of men named ‘Clint,’ look like an academic powerhouse.

Acceptance rates for each school in each conference are listed below (easiest to hardest)

SEC:

Auburn 82.7, Mizzou 78.6, Tenn 77.6, LSU 76.2, A&M 69.5, Kentucky 68.6, MSU 64.8, SC 60.6, Ole Miss 59.4, Arkansas 58.6, Bama 56.5, Georgia 56.1, Florida 46.5, Vandy 12.7

Avg. 62

Pac 12:

CU 87.7, WSU 82.1, Utah 81.7, ASU 80.2, Zona 79, OSU 78.9, U of O 74.2, UW 55.2, UCLA 22, USC 19.8, Berkeley 18, Stanford 5.7

Avg. 57.04

B1G:

Iowa 80.2, IU 72.2, MSU 68.6, Wisc 67.9, UNL 64, UI 62.4, PU 60.4, Rutgers 59.5, OSU 55.5, PSU 54.2, MD 47, Minn 44.4, Michigan 33.3, NW 15.3

Avg. 56.06

ACC:

UL 71.2, VT 70.3, Clem 57.9, FSU 56.8, Pitt 56.1, GT 54.9, NCSU 50, Cuse 49.5, UM 40.5, WFU 35.2, BC 32.2, UVa 30, UNC 27.6, Duke 13.4

Avg. 46.11

Big 12:

KSU 95.9, KU 92.3, WV 85.1, ISU 82.5, Oklahoma 80.4, OSU 76, TT 66.3, Baylor 57.5, TCU 47.4, UT 40.2

Avg. 72.36

Pints and Picks Week 4: No bye week for bad bets

Each week DPB’s Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen will pour on the prose with Pints and Picks™. Who to wager and what to drink while doing it. Here then, is their point-counterpoint for Sept 27, 2014. Or, if you’re in the car, simply scroll down for the recap (they may be verbose, but it’s better than clicking through a slideshow).

AJ: Kyle, why are there bye weeks in college football? I mean, I get why they’re there in the NFL—basically an opportunity to get arrested in the club and for the league to fuck with fantasy owners who deserve to be fucked with. But there’s no reason for this in college other than maybe to see what FCS campus gets the biggest spike in date rape and frat house electronics raids over the idle weekend.

I only ask this because bye weeks in college used to not exist and now that they do, it brings an even bigger air of “professionalism” (air quotes) and indentured servitude to the amateur gridiron ranks. If the NCAA said, “We schedule bye weeks around midterms because academics” I’d be good with that. Happy even. But the real reason is to stretch out the post-season and turn college football into a 20-week endeavor (i.e. almost two-thirds the academic year) for the almighty bottom line—of which the athletes themselves see not a penny (and that’s where the lap top thefts come in).

Since you’re pretty good about finding out the why of things the way I’m good at identifying the season of Magnum PI (and episodes) where he tries to track down the ghost of his allegedly deceased wife, let me know if you know.

Otherwise, I take it now that you’re off the schneid you’re not taking a bye this week.

Me, I’m still trying to feel this week out like a Junior High dance. There’s no match up that stands out as a stone cold lock; and it has to be watchable to be (not a word: betable). <-One of my cardinal rules—the other is to never trust a Yelp reviewer whose mouth is wide open on their profile photo.

For now, a couple quick comments:

• Why is Wyoming traipsing around the country in pursuit of getting bitch-slapped? Is it like an anything-is-better-than-staying-home-and-risk-getting-shot-in-the-face-by-Dick-Cheney thing? First Oregon and now Michigan State? It kind of reminds me of those Pat Hill-era Fresno State teams which burned through their Southwest miles to go get rolled up by the SEC and ACC and Big-10 before limping back to the parched Valley and dominating, um, Wyoming …and most of the rest of the Mountain West. To be fair, Wyoming does have a slightly guttier squad than they originally got credit for (think corn snow-fed defense) and should give Sparty fits for at least a quarter or two. If you can get a first-half prop bet for the Cowboys at +10 or above, that’s better odds than your drunk-as-fuck out-of-town guest trying to pull a credit card advance on the gaming floor.

• Missouri on the road at South Carolina getting only 6.5. The Gamecocks are hotter than a rescue pit mix locked in a ’93 Aerostar in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly since forgetting Manziel was in the NFL and dropping their opener against Texas A&M. The Cocks have won three straight and Missouri is reeling from what should’ve amounted to a midweek January stumble on the hardcourt to the Hoosiers at home last week. Can Mizzou regroup or will South Carolina’s Mike Davis and Brandon Wilds harass QB Maty Mauk who already has four ints to go with 14 teeders …and, you know what, this spread sucks. Fuck this game.

…I’m going to pause right there and say I was running some errands with a buddy during the lunch hour today (he’s planning a birthday party for a one-year-old which basically means crappy burgers, a weird sheet cake that is actually just flypaper with white frosting and a couple of fifths because apparently one is too young to remember seeing your folks and their friends black out) and we ended up at Costco. Still $1.50 for a polish and a soda.

The thing is, we were the only sub-octagenarains dining there. All these Burns-postured McMurphys who’d escaped from “Serene Gardens” next door were gumming on these intestines and entrails pressed into a tube while gangsta leaning off their Rascals made me wonder: Do the old folks know something I don’t? Like, If I have one meal left, it’s gotta be Costco (because it is glorious, especially when you remember to ask for the slaw) or does it just kill a lot of time to try to gum down a dog the size of your shriveled and veiny neck midday on a weekday when you’re at the station of life when time, quite literally, can’t go any slower—and yet, you don’t have much of it left.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I just have a lot more questions than answers this week.

Kyle? You there? You still reading?

Kyle: AJ, the middle school dance analogy couldn’t be more apt. I have an overwhelming urge to skip this week completely and tell all of our readers I was off doing some really cool stuff. In reality, I’ll probably be reading Madeleine L’Engle and trying to stay up for MadTV and hope my father (who, coincidentally, is visiting this weekend) doesn’t come out and turn it off when they swear for like the only time in the whole show.

MadTV featured the stylings of Michael McDonald (not this one, not that one, this one), a USC alum, and that’s my segue into talking about one of the only games that probably matter this weekend. With no ranked matchups, it’s going to be interesting to watch Oregon State-SC (-9) in the sense that it’ll be interesting to see your neighbor walk out the door with his 14-year-old dog tomorrow. Hey, still on the right side of the dirt, eh Fido?

The 2-1 Trojans are a technically, I suppose, still in the playoff race. Stanford exposed SC’s inability to get anything done in the red zone with a run game that’s hampered when it doesn’t have room to breath in a game the Trojans won 13-10. Boston College pantsed SC’s run defense in a 37-31 victory on Chestnut Hill. Both of these tell me the men of Troy aren’t yet sound in their line play. Mike Riley’s Beavers aren’t very good at running the ball on aggregate—they’re 91st in rushing in the nation—but in the first quarter, few offenses are as effective at running and passing the ball as 3-0 Oregon State, who put up more points early (10.5) than every other team in the Pac 12 North. If they can kick the Trojans’ line in the teeth early, I think OSU Quarterback Sean Mannion can play keep-up with a very potent SC passing attack.

Surveying the rest of the college football landscape leaves that bye week to be desired.

American Conference favorite Cincinnati visits Ohio State as a 15.5-point dog, and that’s halfway intriguing. Looking at the rest of this schedule is sort of like looking at the area surrounding Charleton Heston after that ship crashed in the first Planet of the Apes. Guess we’ll have to get walking.

AJ: Kyle, nice call on bringing the pops to town during the week of bettors doldrums. Now, instead of sitting indoors and inhaling the second-hand smoke of the sports book, the two of you can ramble around the Sierras inhaling the first-hand smoke of arsonists.

I think we agree this is a trap week as far as NCAA wagering goes. None of the spreads seem at all enticing and, as you pointed out, the dearth of compelling matchups (besides conference-centric spoiler games like Stanford at U-Dub) make this the week to take a BCS breather—and set the crosshairs on October baseball.

Namely Mr. Magin, the prospect of four very disparate and very under-(over?)achieving-for-different-reasons West Coast franchises making it to the playoffs.

It’s a Freaky Friday moment for baseball West of Lovelock. You’ve got the perennial lovable A’s who went out and made a splash at the trade deadline, only to wallow in the second half like so much locker room sludge through the AL West with dead arms and a listless clubhouse en route to a wildcard berth.

You have the predictably unpredictable Giants across the bridge who had a fiery start and a nine-game lead in May only to lose two-time world champion aces Matt Cain from the starting five (still unknown injury) and Tim Lincecum (still undiagnosed velocity problems) but somehow picked up where Oakland left off and went not with the big trades but with the white-flag youth movement: Hunter Strickland, Chris Hesten, Erik Cordier and even skipper’s son Brett Bochy have all contributed on the mound. Back-up backstop Andrew Susac has been clutch off the bench and in spelling Buster Posey and infielders Joe Panik and Matt Duffy have been key contributors plugging the middle whilst performing at the plate. The suddenly youth-infused G-men didn’t have enough in the tank to catch the boys in blue with the quarter-billion-dollar payroll and the world’s greatest stadium, but they do have a good chance of beating the Pirates in the wildcard sudden-death scenario and finding themselves the object of Joe Buck’s scorn again.

In Southern California, it’s a battle of swollen payrolls and depleting expectations. The Halos, who had all but given up on The Last Investment Albert Pujols till he decided to come out of the orange groves and hit a respectable .273 with 28 bombs and 104 RBIS (and he’s not done yet). Mike Trout is baseball’s lone superstar right now and the singing cowboy’s starting rotation featuring innings eaters Jared Weaver (18-8, 3.52 ERA), CJ Wilson (13-10, 4.61 ERA) and Matt Shoemaker (16/4, 3.04 ERA) suddenly looks like baseball’s best even without the services of Garrett Richards (13-4, 2.61 ERA). The hedge fund-backed Dodgers’ have the best pitcher in baseball in Clayton Kershaw. The once-in-a-generation starter-next-door has mastery of three pitches usually thrown in a way three different pitchers might; fastball, 90-plus, a makes-you-swing-from-the-heels slider in the high-80s and an elevator curve in the mid-70s. It’s like facing vintage Barry Zito, Pedro Martinez and Greg Maddox—in one at-bat. Kershaw recently notched his 20th win, has an ERA under 1.80 and tosses 100-pitch complete game shutouts like Drysdale the get away afternoon after a Saturday night bender. Kershaw alone almost makes one forget that any player who came up under Castro thinks hitting the cut-off man is a Fredo Corleone reference.

You got your Tigs Kyle, but the prospect of not only an all West Coast World series, but LCSs makes me giggle. I know Fox shares Erin Andrews’ resting bitchface scowl when it comes to the knowledge that KC, not NY will be in the playoffs and Mr. Jeter’s farewell bonanza is but a week away from coming to a cleaned-out-locker and teary press conference halt. All that historic footage from the pre-device ’90s shelved for roll out at Cooperstown in 2020. And what the fuck will Ken “He shoulda been-a dentist” Rosenthal talk about as Buck cuts Harold Reynolds off on the cutaways with no DJ?

With that, I’d like to be a sort of World Series wager Sommelier. First off, like a fine wine, many teams age into BETTER odds of winning Bud Selig’s final Commissioner’s Trophy as the season matures. But like your great aunt’s Bradford Exchange plate collection, not all teams go up in value. At the start of the season the last-place Red Sox were 12/1 (ditto Rays). The aforementioned Yankees, who are now 300/1 to take a Champagne bath, started out at 14/1. The Orioles who started the season at 35/1 are now 13/2—not bad for a runaway division champ. And your Motor City hardballers are a solid 6/1. For my money though, I’m liking either the A’s or the Giants at 12/1 to bring the hardware back to the Biggedy. After all, Giants fans, it is an even-numbered year.

Kyle, I know you’re headed out the door to see nature’s splendor with the man who pulled you out of oblivion and plopped you on this big blue-infused chunk of spinning granite, but I KNOW you’re laying down your World Series picks this week… so, (Pacino voice) what’dya got?!

Kyle: AJ, I’ve never been more happy to talk baseball during betting season, a sport I usually avoid at the book like the plague. It will also grease the wheels of conversation with the old man while we’re waiting for his knees to stabilize after I drag him up a few thousand feet above his normal playing altitude.

I, too, think the road to the World Series is definitely coming through California. Too many hardball-related planets are aligning with the Golden State. Dave Stewart is LaRussa’s new lapdog in Arizona. Scully is back again next year! I found out, just this week, that they still have an MLB team in San Diego.

As a Tigers fan, I hate to say it, but the Los Angeles Angels of Disneyland at 9/2 to win the series is the best bet at the book. Jeff Weaver is a horse, Matt Shoemaker has walked one guy for every 9 he’s struck out since the break and Wade Leblanc hasn’t given up a run in his last two starts headed into the postseason. Everybody has been getting on in front of Albert Pujols and he’s been driving all of them in—he’s got roughly an RBI per game over the last month, while Mike Trout continues to ape Barry Bonds with his slugging prowess. Gordon Beckham and Howie Kendrick have gotten on-base as often as anyone in the league over the last month. There’s just no way I see someone getting around this time save some massive power outage from Pujols and Trout.

In the NL—and I know this won’t be popular with much of our readership—I like the Dodgers. I don’t love them at 9/5, but in the “who’s going to win this thing” sense, I think we’re geared up for a freeway series. Which, wow, Randy Newman is going to RAKE royalties from FOX. It’ll make Erin’s Dancing with the Stars schedule manageable—I won’t have to put up with her whiny-ass Instagram posts from a private jet about #grinding from coast to coast.

We’ll get some hoity-toity reminders from the New Yorker about all the poor-ass people who got bulldozed out of Chavez Ravine 60-plus years ago to make way for one of the top-five stadiums in baseball. It’ll be gross and engrossing, all at once.

The Dodgers’ Matt Kemp, Justin Turner, Carl Crawford and Scott Van Slyke have been hitting the living shit out the ball over the last month—all four are in the top-15 of OPS over that stretch. Even with Puig’s second-half power outage, I don’t see how anyone else keeps up with the boys in blue. Selig passes out his last trophy south of the Grapevine.

AJ: Gotta agree it may be Los Doyers’ year and hey that Randy Newman song was supposed to be ironic; like how big a shithole-where-small-town-dreams-go-to-die-with-a-gooey-tarpit-center LA is. It makes me laugh every time the Dodgers notch a W and it bounces off the Hollywood sign and into the night. I love it! I love it! I love it!

Oh, yeah, the Huskies are better than David Shaw’s listless and unproven farm squad. Take the dawgs and the 6 points against the Cardinal (at home!) for a share of the Pac-12 North lead.

The PnP Recap:

Last week:
AJ: 3-3
Kyle: 1-2

Overall:
AJ: 8-12
Kyle: 1-7

This week:
AJ:
• Washington +6 vs. Stanford
• SF Giants (or Oakland A’s) at 12/1 to win the World Series

Kyle:
• Oregon State +12.5 @ USC
• LA Dodgers (9/5) or LA Angels (9/2) to win the World Series