Pints and Picks Week 10: If your name’s not in here you probably don’t exist

Each week DPB’s Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen will pour on the prose with Pints and Picks™. Who to wager and what to drink while doing it. Here then, is their point-counterpoint for Nov. 8, 2014. Or, if you’re in the car, simply scroll down for the recap (they may be verbose, but it’s better than clicking through a slideshow).

AJ: Whoooooa Boy KM, big weekend ahead.

Before I get into my picks on possibly the best match-up weekend of the 2014 season and the only one with any influence on this fake semi-final/final four-team ‘playoff’ thing—I will tease with the fact that all my match-ups will be of the marquee variety (not the Magin dregs betting) this week.

I will feature:

Bama and LSU
Oregon and Utah
TCU and K State
Notre Dame and ASU
and
Michigan State and OSU

To kick things off, however, I’m going to (surprise!) take a detour down a more personal road.

Saturday is my ‘return to racing.’ I know this sounds very Armstrongean or Bondsean, but it’s not meant to be.

I’ve been on about a 9-month hiatus from throwing a bib on and trying to get after it as an angry and ever-so-noticeably above varsity weight age-grouper. I’m not one of those guys who’s all sinew and likes cutting pro women off on the road bike, rooty trail or open water to make myself feel like I’ve got more hair on my shaved head than the crop circles that are left.

But there’s something about race day. About the weight-shifting interminable time in line for the port-a-potty and the glorious pre-race deposit. The cold sweat that collects on your palms and fingertips as the starting line is toe’d. That expectant but shrill and surprising clap of the gun and those initial steps, all nerves and knobby knees and “I’m not only not going to put up a personal best, but I’m not going to finish.”

Getting excited for something difficult, something that pushes out of the comfort zone, out of sleep, out of conformity, is certainly an underrated experience in today’s spiffy culture. If you can’t swipe it with your index finger, why bother?

I’m not the only one who feels this way. American’s spending on organized road and trail runs, triathlons and endurance races has increased more than 10-fold over the last decade. The largest road race, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution Peachtree 10k, drew almost 56k participants last year. That’s a small city of runners. The ING New York City Marathon eclipsed 50k last weekend and that’s turning away more than 80 percent of the applicants.

So there is something there in all of us. Something that says we’re looking to push—just a little bit—and see what happens. Something we need to share with a group taking the hard road to Point B.

This weekend I’m making an easy entrance back into my age group in the Santa Barbara half-marathon. It’s a seaside course that’s relatively flat and fast. Earlier this year, it became pretty clear I wasn’t going to eclipse my Santa Barbara Marathon time from two years ago (I blame the six-month-old who sleeps in the room next to me and can say “Da!” a bunch of times in a row), so I decided why not make it back with a fast half. (Technically my ‘return to racing’ was codified at this year’s Squaw Mountain Run, but that was more an off-the-couch effort in the wake of getting up 4x/night for feeding; my mulligan.)

This is the first time I’ve felt at least somewhat race-ready in more than a year. And I just want to give a quick shout out, because I rarely use this space to thank her, to Robin Sims, who was sliced in half six months ago and could not get out of the hospital bed for three days while she tried to cope with the stress of not only being a new mother, but having to handle me as a new father. Trust me when I say the latter was certainly the most disconcerting.

She has been patient and relaxed and, above all things, dedicated to getting back on the road and the trail as life screamed and cried and pooped around us. She has stuck to a feeding and training and work schedule that would take three of me to ponder and four to fail at, and has done so with strength and ease and nary a breakdown. I don’t tell her ever how proud of her I am. A mother and a runner, and damn good at both. When we race, we all race as individuals, but I am so so very lucky to be on her team come Saturday.

Ok KM, this means I will have a race recap next week, but till then, I pass the baton to you and ask, will you accept the week 10 marquee-pick challenge?

Kyle: AJ, I’ll join you on most of those picks, but I’m far too fond of rooting around through forgotten leagues and sports in search of gems to give up on the Okie-style noodling that informs my weekly choices. One man’s trash.

That said, you’re exactly right that this is as meaningful a weekend in the CFB season as we’ve yet seen. I’ve left this conversation once or twice thinking we’ve put lipstick on a pig, but this week I’m trying to keep myself from pre-game hype video-level platitudes. I’m going to break down the following:

OSU and MSU
K. State and TCU
Bama and LSU
Utah St. and Wyoming
and
B. Hopkins vs. S. Kovalev

For people who haven’t been paying attention, OSU-MSU is a real, proper grudge match.

When I was a kid OSU was a bit of an anomaly in the Big Ten. Even more than Michigan, which was just as (arguably more from year-to-year while John Cooper was in Columbus) nationally relevant at the time. The Buckeyes had a bit of cool about them. They recruited Florida guys, had some of the biggest badasses on the block (see Boston, David), and by the time the millennium turned over were a coast-to-coast style superpower in a way that nobody else in the league was. It bred an arrogance even the turned-up noses in Ann Arbor didn’t deign to show: We’re above you, our peers are Miami and USC and Notre Dame. Fuck your rust belt.

Ironically, under Urban Meyer, the Bucks feel a little more home-grown. Whether it was the sanctions or the pantsing administered by the Spartans in the B1G title game last year to thwart their march toward the title, OSU has turned their animosities inward. Side-light rivalries against MSU and Penn State have taken on added significance for the crimson n’ cream crowd. They suddenly seem cognizant of the search for respect everyone else in the league is constantly going through–sorta like the hot chick who stayed behind while everyone else left for college and began to realize her insights into the latest Kardashian news wasn’t so valuable to a peer group who no longer worshiped at the altar of her feet.

This new awareness has manifested itself nicely in a rivalry between Meyer and Michigan State’s Mark Dantonio. Meyer entered the league stealing everyone’s recruits—Dantonio’s included–and it felt like sweet payback when Dantonio upended Meyer’s 2013 season in Indianapolis. Suddenly the Bucks had to deal with the locals again. With an early-season loss to Virginia Tech that looks worse by the week, Ohio State has been forced to find its salvation within the conference, and that combination of desperation and levity is making for a much more intriguing match-up. It’s about kids from my side of the Toledo strip against kids from your side getting into the trenches (and what will likely be some freezing-ass weather Saturday night in East Lansing) and going toe-to-toe. I’m excited.

Alright, I’ll dig into the number on this and the rest after throwing it back to you, AJ.

AJ: KM, since we’re giving props all over this entry’s face this week (and really the readership on PNP is a loyal quorum so basically, especially after the second graph, anything goes; see: Week 9’s Pat Burrell story not causing any semblance of a kurfuffle), I want to kind of focus on the Oregon/Utah match-up before I check down the rest.

I was living/working in the Beehive State when Utah received a fistful of tokens to run free in the Pac-12 arcade in 2010. At the time, I knew the U of U as a commuter school where all the kids from South Jordan or Sandy or Centerville Wards tried hard not to drip their zit cream onto your Jimmy John’s and call it dressing. It’s a dry campus with a salty pizza parlor and the best burger joint ever. And a lot of blond girls who are just not, um, discriminating enough to want to go to BYU.

I made it pretty clear to my U of U alum friends, all drunk off three 3.2 beers at The Republican (or the Tavernacle—actual bar, just a half block from the big Mormon thingy where hot girls from all over the world approach you and try to get you to join and wear their special underwear) that BYU should’ve gotten the invite. Better sports history, period. Prettier campus and, well, Provo is the one true level playing field for visiting teams with no, um, temptations at night (or are there?) …In fact, I think the Cougs would’ve paired perfectly with the still-dormant Colorado Buffalo, while the U was not quite ready for prime time.

Thankfully, I was proven wrong as the Utes have blossomed into a football and potential basketball powerhouse and are drawing athletic and academic talent from the West Coast. Who wouldn’t want to go to school 20 minutes from the best stashes (not ‘staches) in the West. Yes, Utah is the greatest snow on Earth™ (apologies to your Sierra backyard KM).

Anyone who’s thinking that there’s not enough fun to be had on a 36-hour SLC smack down for a visiting team is w-r-o-n-g. Sure SLC’s best bar still has dueling pianos and you have to drink old and poorly stored Deschutes out of a bottle if you want to cop a buzz before your fifth trip to the baño, but there’s so so much to do, including:

• Red Iguana. Think you’ve had a good mole, think again—yes, it’s worth the wait. Believe the hype.
• Epic Brewing. High-point beer but made with care. Not just the big, hoppy IPAs they shove down your gullet in the Bay Area or Pac NW. Ditto Uinta for better-than-good local craft brews.
• Decades Vintage Shop. Sure you’ve been to Haight Street and DUMBO and you’ve passed up every ironic shirt (or paid $75 for a vintage PBR Beefy Tee). Go check out Decades. It’s like going back to the ’90s thrift stores (when they actually had vintage clothes from the ’70s). Their buyers are discerning and since much of Utah cleans its closets out only once every three decades, you’ll be the benefactor. Last time I stopped by, I got a Western shirt that would make a Cash roadie cry, a Leisure Suit fit for a Furley and a vintage Rambo: First Blood T-shirt (size XL which fit me like a child’s medium—but oh well) for under $40. Hipster bliss.
• The Depot or Kilby Court. LOTS of bands have to stop and get gas and a burrito in SLC en route from SF to Denver or Denver to Portland. Take advantage of these incredible little venues. You’ll be able to say you saw ______ with 18 of your closest maybe-Mormon friends when they’re headlining the second stage at Coachella or Outside Lands in two years.

If you go, please also look up my favorite Utahn Jeremy Pugh. Jeremy grew up Mormon and then decided against it and has been drinking and writing and pontificating with erratic vengeance to make up for it ever since. He’s down to go out and to talk about physics or Louis CK’s first show (the one on HBO nobody remembers but was genius) or cats or karate or the time he blacked out during a Dylan show at Deer Valley and woke up making snow angels in a sand trap four miles away on a Park City golf course. He gets whatever movie reference you throw at him but isn’t the annoying bro who has to quote it back, though he can quote Gilmore Girls. He has incredible stories about terrible women and their violent exes that are compelling enough to make you want to buy him another round as his voice goes up an octave and hiswordsruntogetherfornoreason. He gets really hungover and still goes skiing. He shaves and grows his beard back in a day. He’ll show up with an extra Egg McMuffin for you. He writes beautifully but only when he’s not trying and, like most good writers, his best stuff comes out in conversation and you can see him trying to remember it as he’s saying it—but he never does. He moved to Hawaii and got too tan and too relaxed and not frustrated enough, so he had to move back to Utah. He underestimates his value but has never, ever made life less fun when he’s in the room. All this and he finds time to tweet about Yurts—fuck yeah.

In other words, he’s 100 percent Utah. More Utah than Johnny Utah. And I like that. And yes, 100-percent Utah means hospitality. You could knock on Jeremy’s door this Saturday and say you read about him here and 12 hours later …in Wendover, he’d still be bleary-eyed asking you if you want him to buy another round.

OK, as far as the game goes, the Utes, who I believe could still take it to three of the top four SEC teams (looking at you Mississippi, Auburn and Bama) at home, showed a chink in their armor against P-12 South rival ASU and that is, they can play fast (Fresno State) or they can play physical (Michigan), but they can’t play fast and physical.

Last week the usually venerable Utes offense was held to 241 yards against ASU’s strong and tough D. Oregon has shown their front five is just as hungry and their DBs are slightly quicker than the Sun Devils. The ground game went missing from the Utes playbook in early October and unless Devontae Booker can establish himself quickly, it’s pretty much going to come down to see how long it takes for the pocket to collapse on Mariota. With three seconds, he can do a lot of damage in the air or on the ground as he’s poised to re-iginte the Olympic torch and break 200 rushing yards and 1,500 passing at Rice-Eccles.

Take the Ducks -8 and remember, Brighton and Solitude are already turning and @saltlakeeditor is always down for whatever. Win. Win. Win.

Kyle: AJ, I work in a BYU-alum owned-and-operated 9-5. Yours are the only positive words I hear about the U on a regular basis–I think its position in Utah’s ‘gentile belt’ may malign its reputation in these parts. I find that my BYU acquaintances only really get riled about three things—the president, basketball and the Utes. The prez trounced their boy, Jimmer Fredette can’t get good NBA minutes even though he’s as effective as Ray Allen any more, and Utes fans say awful things to the Cougars faithful when the Holy War is in Salt Lake. That’s the sum total of their gripes with the world, and while I really appreciate the lack of complaining, they really put their all into those slights.

Utah State, out in the boons of Logan, seems to escape their ire. It’s where you go when your old man isn’t in tight with a bishop, it’s not always an athletic equal to the programs in Provo, and it’s apparently constantly 10 degrees there, so I guess the cold encourages piousness. (Freshman receiver Gregory Weichers—the product of a BYU alum–may have blown up that end of the narrative yesterday, though.)

Anyway, I like to check in on the Aggies from time to time because they play some of the stoutest defense in the west and have been known to throw serious kinks in the Utes and Cougs’ seasons. This year, though, they’re playing a sort of front-runner instead of spoiler narrative.

Utah State -6.5 @ Wyoming
The Aggies (6-3, 3-1 MW) take on the Pokes (4-5, 2-3 MW) in hopes of staying alive in the MW’s Mountain division. The top three teams on that side of the bracket–it’s the class of the league–all have one loss; USU, Boise St. and Colorado St. USU still has Boise in its sights and while it lost head-to-head against the CSU Rams–who have a pretty cake schedule from here on out–they’re still very much in the hunt for the league’s title game. With gametime temps expected to be just about freezing in Laramie (I suspect it’s always just about freezing in Laramie. That Matthew Sheppard movie looked like the coldest goddamn cinema experience since The Day After Tomorrow), I’d look for the Ags’ top 25 defense to bottle up any Cowboys attack and give their offense a short field to work with all night. USU to cover.

Kansas State +6 @ TCU
KSU’s Bill Snyder is probably the last really wily sonofabitch in college football. He has zero polish with the media and appears to win recruiting battles nobody else is fighting with him. Yet, year-in-and-year-out, he’s a thorn in the Big 12’s side and a darkhorse national contender. His offense isn’t overly impressive when it comes to yardage totals in either the rushing or passing games, but they seem to always have a short field to work with and have converted 100 percent of their Big 12 chances in the red zone for scores this year. They convert 50 percent of their third downs overall but manage to hold their opponents to just 39 percent. To top it all off, Snyder’s bunch is 2-0 against the spread on the road this season. TCU is good, if not great, at everything. But, the Horned frogs are giving up an average of more than 40 points over their last five games, and had a hell of a time last week with a West Virginia squad that doesn’t have nearly the defense that’ll step off the bus from Manhattan this week. I like Snyder’s boys to keep it within a touchdown.

Bernard Hopkins 5/2 by decision vs. Sergey Kovalev
Vegas again likes Bernard Hopkins just a little less than it likes his opponent, Sergey Kovalev (7-2 by decision). A bet the Krusher’s way probably isn’t terrible–you can actually get some fairly good numbers on him knocking out the Alien. But, if this thing goes the distance and it’s close, the cards are most definitely going BHop’s way. He’s the name. The Atlantic City crowd will be heavily behind the Philly boxer’s campaign Saturday. And, almost nobody knows how to make a round look like it’s going his way than Hopkins, who couldn’t knock out one of those fainting goats but can connect with enough of his light blows to register on a judge’s scorecard.

Alabama @ LSU +6.5
The Bayou Bengals’ defense is truly, truly filthy. Opponents have reached LSU’s end zone just 17 times this season and convert less than 30 percent of their third down tries. #3 Ole Miss was abused two weeks ago in Baton Rouge, managing just a touchdown, and the Tigers are 6-1 against the spread at home, 7-2 overall this season. True enough, at 7-1, the Tide are still firmly in the playoff hunt and not likely to pull any punches Saturday. That said, I’d look for Les Miles’ squad to keep it close.

OSU @ MSU Under 56
It’s going to be bone-chillingly cold and probably wet in East Lansing Saturday night. The Spartans’ defense isn’t quite what it was last year, but almost all of the dings against it have come on big plays through the air. The Buckeyes’ passing attack is far from vaunted which’ll keep this thing on the ground at Spartan Stadium. The Spartan defense hasn’t given up more than 22 points at home this season. I look for a low-scoring affair.

Alright AJ, get your bad luck out of the way pre-race…

AJ: Oh, me again? Sorry, I was dreaming of Crown Burger.

We’re in novella territory here so I’ll be giving you the rest my picks in a voice inspired by the writing of James Franco.

Alabama @ LSU +6.5
I think Dennis Quaid in that movie about LSU (with Jessica Lange and John Goodman) and the points are enough for me to take the Tigers over the Crimson Tide. Crimson Tide reminds me of Prince of Tides, even though I know they’re two different things.

Kansas State +6 @ TCU
These are two places I’ve never been and will probably never go. I bet when you watch porn that’s supposed to be in a dorm room but is really in an abandoned Quiznos near Torrance, it’s inspired by one of these schools. Why is there a Kansas State? Did someone actually not get in to Kansas? Take them and the points to find out.

ASU -1 vs. Notre Dame
You know those ads that look like hot chicks in mugshots that always pop up? Arizona State has most of those girls. They’ll win by three touchdowns on Saturday.

Michigan State -2 vs. OSU
I can’t tell if this is a game between two important one-loss teams or one important one-loss team and just another team. I think it’s the second one. If that’s the case, Michigan State has already won.

The PnP Recap:

Last week:
AJ: 2-4
Kyle: 3-4

Overall:
AJ: 18 for 31
Kyle: 16 for 23

This week:

AJ:
• Oregon @ Utah -8
• Alabama @ LSU +6.5
• Kansas State +6 @ TCU
* ASU -1 vs. Notre Dame
• Michigan State -2 vs. OSU

Kyle:
• Utah State -6.5 @ Wyoming
• Kansas State +6 @ TCU
• Bernard Hopkins 5/2 by decision vs. Sergey Kovalev
• OSU @ MSU Under 56
• Alabama @ LSU +6.5

Pints and Picks Week 9: A parade to the ticket window

Each week DPB’s Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen will pour on the prose with Pints and Picks™. Who to wager and what to drink while doing it. Here then, is their point-counterpoint for Nov. 1, 2014. Or, if you’re in the car, simply scroll down for the recap (they may be verbose, but it’s better than clicking through a slideshow).

AJ: It should be noted Kyle that children at play are not playing about; their games should be seen as their most serious-minded activity. That’s a quote from a guy called Michel de Montaigne who was an underemployed writer during the Renaissance. He didn’t have a Twitter account but I’m pretty sure he would’ve wanted one.

That’s as good an opening as I’ve got this week and though it’s going to be a little cringe-inducing, I have to take a moment and shout Scoreboard from on high—or rather, beneath the pile of losses I’ve been stocking up on like fall leaves of late. I’m bad against the spread and worse with it. It’s gotten to the point where degenerates are looking down at me and thinking of lending me a hand, or at least a five-spot at the window. I was going to be rock-bottom for Halloween, but I can’t find my costume. So, I’ll gesture to my ticket with the Giants at 12-1, 10 out of 10 seed in the Wild Card to win it all …doubled-down with my WS victory prediction. No, I had no idea Madison Bumgarner would grow a unicorn horn and Pegasus wings, but that’s why the play the games.

In truth, I’m a little exhausted KM. Your young’uns from the way underrated AL Central (if we have anything in common it’s that our respective divisions of choice—mine the NL West—are Dangerfieldean in scope and scale for the rest of the known round ball vs. round bat world) and yet, like herpes …they always seem to be in the conversation when it matters. Fancy that.

Before I roll out a modest four-pack (see: last week’s post) of predictions this week (bet against me, I dare you not to lose), I want to point out the best of/worst of media coverage from the World Series.

Best: Roger Angell, New Yorker. The man puts the senior in senior editor. He’s been writing for the NY’er since Rosie was riveting. At 94 years young, he’s sharper than most writers one fifth his age. His coverage of Game 6&7 especially are a couple of vignettes that caused me to choke down tears. Not for the subject matter, but for the fact that this treasure won’t last forever.

Game 6

Game 7

Runner-up goes to the NYT.

Michael Powell’s visit with Kevin Bumgarner (Madison’s Dad) game seven is another tear-jerker. It’s not just about a proud papa, it’s about a place frozen in time, and wouldn’t we like to walk into the restaurant and congratulate Madison …on his new horse:

Richard Sandomir’s critique of the Fox crew’s coverage of the WS is beyond compelling and veers into crushing. Sandomir didn’t even really go after Buck yet still shot more holes through the malaise than Martin Riggs at the range.

It was inevitable, but to catch Harold Reynolds in multiple lies …not to mention just misstep and fragment after misstep out in broad daylight brings an air of truth that Fox’s plummeting WS ratings may, in fact, have nothing to do with the action on the field. Watching bats bend in slo-mo is still cool though. Don’t care what anyone says.

I also wanted to end this on kind of a sad note. The San Francisco Chronicle and newly refreshed site SFGate (which looks like your nephew did it playing with free WordPress themes) truly truly stumbled and fell in this year’s World Series.

The Chronicle has always been a cream puff of a publication; which is fine, it matches the town. One thing they could rely on was the columnists. Herb Caen invented the genre and Art Hoppe who perfected it. The Chron features a handful of scribes who hark to an era where newspapers, especially the Hearst flagship, mattered.

Their prose may have mattered too at one point but between the likes of Bruce Jenkins, Scott Ostler, CW Nevius and Anne Killion, nary an original thought or spry missive was penned in this dynastic Giants push. And this isn’t being ageist, they just can’t write like your typical spry nonagenarian.

Peter Hartlaub is the paper’s current wit and why he wasn’t deployed to KC for a taste of the town (its people, its culture, its revelatory downtown scene, it’s quickly hipsetrfying neighborhoods… and of course, its barbecue) …is and will forever be a mystery.

The datelines of the aforementioned read Midwest, but lines like: It couldn’t get much wetter than the team’s clubhouse party, Champagne flying in all directions, delightfully soaked ballplayers hugging, roaring with laughter, sometimes just staring at each other in amazement. And it seemed every conversation found its way to Madison Bumgarner, who came out of the bullpen to pitch the last five innings — two hits, no runs — and win the Series’ MVP award …might as well have been penned from the staff lounge on 5th and Mission. My only hope is the three are busy finally unmasking the Zodiac.

OK, KM, if you want to jump straight into the action, be my guest, please. Let me sit here and lick my wounds with the knowledge that the greatest World Series of my time was covered better from 2,915 miles away.

Kyle: AJ, a tip of the cap to your squad. As far as the Chron goes, c’est la vie. They need to give the A’s beat writer/columnist team of Susan Slusser and John Shea the reigns when the big money is on the line and leave the uninspired coverage to the senior circuit’s regular season.

What’s got me melancholy is the continued presence of Florida State at the top of college football’s leaderboard. Like everyone else in the country not from the banjo-est parts of North Florida, I was rooting for Louisville Thursday night before Jameis Winston and the ‘Noles defense snatched victory from the jaws of defeat in the final minutes of the contest. After a few such escapes in final stanza this season, FSU’s campaign is starting to take on the air of inevitability–especially with the soft nature of its remaining schedule. We’re going to be dealing with the beneficiary of a botched rape investigation (Winston) and his apologist coach (Jimbo Fisher, who somehow functions in an adult world with the name Jimbo) in the first-ever playoffs and they appear to be close to unbeatable. All we really need is one misstep–one loss–to banish this pair back to the seedy Sunshine State swamp from whence they came. It doesn’t appear to be coming.

With that said, here are my picks for week 10:

TCU @ West Virginia O/U 70
If I seem like a broken record, head down to the next pick. Every week, there’s a big Big 12 matchup where some team nearly covers the over on its own. TCU drops 50/game, the Mountaineers 37. And, although Gary Patterson’s calling card is defense, they’ve had trouble with some of the Big 12’s vaunted passing attacks in Baylor and Oklahoma. West Virginia has no analogous problem–they consistently get into shootouts in big game situations. So, again, take the over.

Auburn +2.5 @ Ole Miss
Hotty Toddy, your chickens have come home to roost. For all the signs of dominance Ole Miss shows—the nation-leading defense which holds opponents to 42 percent on third down conversions and logs roughly two interceptions per game—a few cracks are starting to appear, as well. The Rebels convert just 31 percent of their own third downs—they got over on just 5 of 17 tries last week–and the signs of wear are showing on quarterback Bo Wallace, who is struggling lately to complete even half his passes. Auburn has no such issues, and I expect the Tigers to run the Rebels’ losing streak to two in a row in Oxford.

Western Michigan -7 @ Miami (OH)
I need to brag on my hometown for a minute. The WMU Broncos (5-3, 3-1 MAC) have averaged roughly 34 points per game this season after an abhorrent 1-11 effort in 2013. Freshman running back Jarvion Franklin is quietly turning into that mid-major guy you should be, but aren’t, paying attention to, with his 5.4 ypc and 19 touchdowns. The RedHawks (2-7, 2-3 MAC) are as uninspiring as their nickname this year and get hammered at home by a WMU squad looking for bowl eligibility in coach PJ Fleck’s second year at the helm.

AJ: KM, thanks for talking me off the ledge there. I was about to cancel my subscription stop reading the Chronicle for free.

Before I jump into my fab four for the week I just wanted to say that I love how you’re grinding it out with the forgotten conference schools. From where I sit (back row, middle) you’ve pretty much announced yourself a niche industry as one who takes lines on under-researched/under-exploited spreads …and makes money. If it’s on a Bleacher Report slide show, it’s nowhere near your betting slip.

Nice work there and perhaps you can build your empire from this penny-stock state of mind (seriously). Every movement starts with a whisper.

I’d also like to say that I’m a little bereft. Four years ago tonight I was in the City celebrating a Giants’ World Series victory parade with the guys I grew up with. It was the time of day Paul Simon likes to write about, and my buddies and me—many of whom cut our baseball-loving teeth ditching class and drinking 40s by the gray tower in the Candlestick parking lot—were starting to fade just before the house lights went up.

We were pretty hammered and winding it down in the Marina Lunge (because you have to be hammered and winding it down to be in the Marina Lounge in the first place) when who should appear before us but The Machine Pat ‘The Bat’ Burrell. He sidled up next to my buddy Brady at the bar and started chatting him up like a high school crush (turns out they had an acquaintance in common, but whatever). We offered PTB a beer and a backer but he said he’d been drinking since ‘Maybe Wednesday” and still needed enough in the tank to make it back to his place and, you know (as he motioned over his shoulder to not one, not two, but three glassy eyed Marina girls in wine tasting boots who were, um, waiting at a safe distance) do his thing.

Anyway, PTB hung for a sec and took a couple fake pulls off a Bud Heavy bottle before he frenetically turned and started to go. We gave him all good jobs/and pats on the back and he obliged with an involuntary nod. As his harem made themselves look busy on their phones, he took a step away from the rail and suddenly turned around and re-joined the group.

“How come you’re all dudes. Why aren’t you guys out getting pussy tonight?”
(Silence)

He then began to point to each of us individually and say:

“You’re a no pussy-getting motherfucker.”
and
“You’re a no pussy-getting motherfucker.”
and
“You’re a no pussy-getting motherfucker.”
and
“You’re a no pussy-getting motherfucker.”
and
…”You’re a no pussy-getting motherfucker.”

…And so forth (it was awesome.)

Finally he pointed to Brady, his original wingman and said. “And you. With your long ass face on your giant face-head. You’re the no-pussiest-getting-motherfucker-of-all.”

And then reared his head back and roared for like 18 seconds. By then his three ladies in waiting had become two. He glanced their way, noticing one little Indian had left and said, ‘Good.”

And then bid us goodnight.

Anyway, that’s why WS celebrations are the best.

Got one more Kyle? If no, I’ll go straight to the picks.

Kyle: AJ, I feel like you’re baiting me into trouble by fishing for a kicker. The devil on my shoulder when I go to pick up a modest win from the 9 am games and realize I have enough time to get down on an afternoon ticket I should avoid. That said, I’m incredibly suggestible, so let’s do this…

Texas Tech @ Texas -5
I’m playing this hand of hold ’em blind, research-free (read: I’m a few tall boys deep because the boss man cut us loose early today.) Hook ’em!

AJ:

Real quick:

Purdue @ Nebraska O/U 62
Purdue hasn’t hit the over yet this year, the Huskers have once. The final on this is 24-14. No brainer on the under here.

Auburn +2.5 @ Ole Miss
Like Kyle said, Tigers roll in and roll up the one-loss Ole Miss(es) Rebel Black Bear …things. Really, there’s nothing to see here but boat shoes and Easter Egg polos. I’m pressing my contact at Lloyds of London for the odds of a sinkhole opening up in this game and swallowing both student bodies whole. Take Auburn and the moneyline.

Washington State +7 vs USC
Cougars and the points here all day. Mike Leach’s Cougs have gotten the worst final-minute breaks of any team in the conference and are about four games better than their 2-6 record suggests. SC has already given up.

Arizona +4 @ UCLA
The Wildcats are on a mission to tie it up with ASU as the tops of the Pac-12 South. As we learned from the Oregon/UCLA game, the Rose Bowl is about as good a home-field advantage as the thunderdome. Arizona and the points.

The PnP Recap:

Last week:
AJ: 4-7
Kyle: 4-6

Overall:
AJ: 16 for 29
Kyle: 13 for 20

This week:

AJ:
* Purdue @ Nebraska under 62
• Auburn +2.5 @ Ole Miss
• Washington State +7 vs USC
* Arizona +4 @ UCLA

Kyle:
• TCU @ West Virginia over 70
• Auburn +2.5 @ Ole Miss
• Western Michigan -7 @ Miami (OH)
• Texas Tech @ Texas -5

Pints and Picks Week 4: No bye week for bad bets

Each week DPB’s Kyle Magin and Andrew J. Pridgen will pour on the prose with Pints and Picks™. Who to wager and what to drink while doing it. Here then, is their point-counterpoint for Sept 27, 2014. Or, if you’re in the car, simply scroll down for the recap (they may be verbose, but it’s better than clicking through a slideshow).

AJ: Kyle, why are there bye weeks in college football? I mean, I get why they’re there in the NFL—basically an opportunity to get arrested in the club and for the league to fuck with fantasy owners who deserve to be fucked with. But there’s no reason for this in college other than maybe to see what FCS campus gets the biggest spike in date rape and frat house electronics raids over the idle weekend.

I only ask this because bye weeks in college used to not exist and now that they do, it brings an even bigger air of “professionalism” (air quotes) and indentured servitude to the amateur gridiron ranks. If the NCAA said, “We schedule bye weeks around midterms because academics” I’d be good with that. Happy even. But the real reason is to stretch out the post-season and turn college football into a 20-week endeavor (i.e. almost two-thirds the academic year) for the almighty bottom line—of which the athletes themselves see not a penny (and that’s where the lap top thefts come in).

Since you’re pretty good about finding out the why of things the way I’m good at identifying the season of Magnum PI (and episodes) where he tries to track down the ghost of his allegedly deceased wife, let me know if you know.

Otherwise, I take it now that you’re off the schneid you’re not taking a bye this week.

Me, I’m still trying to feel this week out like a Junior High dance. There’s no match up that stands out as a stone cold lock; and it has to be watchable to be (not a word: betable). <-One of my cardinal rules—the other is to never trust a Yelp reviewer whose mouth is wide open on their profile photo.

For now, a couple quick comments:

• Why is Wyoming traipsing around the country in pursuit of getting bitch-slapped? Is it like an anything-is-better-than-staying-home-and-risk-getting-shot-in-the-face-by-Dick-Cheney thing? First Oregon and now Michigan State? It kind of reminds me of those Pat Hill-era Fresno State teams which burned through their Southwest miles to go get rolled up by the SEC and ACC and Big-10 before limping back to the parched Valley and dominating, um, Wyoming …and most of the rest of the Mountain West. To be fair, Wyoming does have a slightly guttier squad than they originally got credit for (think corn snow-fed defense) and should give Sparty fits for at least a quarter or two. If you can get a first-half prop bet for the Cowboys at +10 or above, that’s better odds than your drunk-as-fuck out-of-town guest trying to pull a credit card advance on the gaming floor.

• Missouri on the road at South Carolina getting only 6.5. The Gamecocks are hotter than a rescue pit mix locked in a ’93 Aerostar in the parking lot of the Piggly Wiggly since forgetting Manziel was in the NFL and dropping their opener against Texas A&M. The Cocks have won three straight and Missouri is reeling from what should’ve amounted to a midweek January stumble on the hardcourt to the Hoosiers at home last week. Can Mizzou regroup or will South Carolina’s Mike Davis and Brandon Wilds harass QB Maty Mauk who already has four ints to go with 14 teeders …and, you know what, this spread sucks. Fuck this game.

…I’m going to pause right there and say I was running some errands with a buddy during the lunch hour today (he’s planning a birthday party for a one-year-old which basically means crappy burgers, a weird sheet cake that is actually just flypaper with white frosting and a couple of fifths because apparently one is too young to remember seeing your folks and their friends black out) and we ended up at Costco. Still $1.50 for a polish and a soda.

The thing is, we were the only sub-octagenarains dining there. All these Burns-postured McMurphys who’d escaped from “Serene Gardens” next door were gumming on these intestines and entrails pressed into a tube while gangsta leaning off their Rascals made me wonder: Do the old folks know something I don’t? Like, If I have one meal left, it’s gotta be Costco (because it is glorious, especially when you remember to ask for the slaw) or does it just kill a lot of time to try to gum down a dog the size of your shriveled and veiny neck midday on a weekday when you’re at the station of life when time, quite literally, can’t go any slower—and yet, you don’t have much of it left.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I just have a lot more questions than answers this week.

Kyle? You there? You still reading?

Kyle: AJ, the middle school dance analogy couldn’t be more apt. I have an overwhelming urge to skip this week completely and tell all of our readers I was off doing some really cool stuff. In reality, I’ll probably be reading Madeleine L’Engle and trying to stay up for MadTV and hope my father (who, coincidentally, is visiting this weekend) doesn’t come out and turn it off when they swear for like the only time in the whole show.

MadTV featured the stylings of Michael McDonald (not this one, not that one, this one), a USC alum, and that’s my segue into talking about one of the only games that probably matter this weekend. With no ranked matchups, it’s going to be interesting to watch Oregon State-SC (-9) in the sense that it’ll be interesting to see your neighbor walk out the door with his 14-year-old dog tomorrow. Hey, still on the right side of the dirt, eh Fido?

The 2-1 Trojans are a technically, I suppose, still in the playoff race. Stanford exposed SC’s inability to get anything done in the red zone with a run game that’s hampered when it doesn’t have room to breath in a game the Trojans won 13-10. Boston College pantsed SC’s run defense in a 37-31 victory on Chestnut Hill. Both of these tell me the men of Troy aren’t yet sound in their line play. Mike Riley’s Beavers aren’t very good at running the ball on aggregate—they’re 91st in rushing in the nation—but in the first quarter, few offenses are as effective at running and passing the ball as 3-0 Oregon State, who put up more points early (10.5) than every other team in the Pac 12 North. If they can kick the Trojans’ line in the teeth early, I think OSU Quarterback Sean Mannion can play keep-up with a very potent SC passing attack.

Surveying the rest of the college football landscape leaves that bye week to be desired.

American Conference favorite Cincinnati visits Ohio State as a 15.5-point dog, and that’s halfway intriguing. Looking at the rest of this schedule is sort of like looking at the area surrounding Charleton Heston after that ship crashed in the first Planet of the Apes. Guess we’ll have to get walking.

AJ: Kyle, nice call on bringing the pops to town during the week of bettors doldrums. Now, instead of sitting indoors and inhaling the second-hand smoke of the sports book, the two of you can ramble around the Sierras inhaling the first-hand smoke of arsonists.

I think we agree this is a trap week as far as NCAA wagering goes. None of the spreads seem at all enticing and, as you pointed out, the dearth of compelling matchups (besides conference-centric spoiler games like Stanford at U-Dub) make this the week to take a BCS breather—and set the crosshairs on October baseball.

Namely Mr. Magin, the prospect of four very disparate and very under-(over?)achieving-for-different-reasons West Coast franchises making it to the playoffs.

It’s a Freaky Friday moment for baseball West of Lovelock. You’ve got the perennial lovable A’s who went out and made a splash at the trade deadline, only to wallow in the second half like so much locker room sludge through the AL West with dead arms and a listless clubhouse en route to a wildcard berth.

You have the predictably unpredictable Giants across the bridge who had a fiery start and a nine-game lead in May only to lose two-time world champion aces Matt Cain from the starting five (still unknown injury) and Tim Lincecum (still undiagnosed velocity problems) but somehow picked up where Oakland left off and went not with the big trades but with the white-flag youth movement: Hunter Strickland, Chris Hesten, Erik Cordier and even skipper’s son Brett Bochy have all contributed on the mound. Back-up backstop Andrew Susac has been clutch off the bench and in spelling Buster Posey and infielders Joe Panik and Matt Duffy have been key contributors plugging the middle whilst performing at the plate. The suddenly youth-infused G-men didn’t have enough in the tank to catch the boys in blue with the quarter-billion-dollar payroll and the world’s greatest stadium, but they do have a good chance of beating the Pirates in the wildcard sudden-death scenario and finding themselves the object of Joe Buck’s scorn again.

In Southern California, it’s a battle of swollen payrolls and depleting expectations. The Halos, who had all but given up on The Last Investment Albert Pujols till he decided to come out of the orange groves and hit a respectable .273 with 28 bombs and 104 RBIS (and he’s not done yet). Mike Trout is baseball’s lone superstar right now and the singing cowboy’s starting rotation featuring innings eaters Jared Weaver (18-8, 3.52 ERA), CJ Wilson (13-10, 4.61 ERA) and Matt Shoemaker (16/4, 3.04 ERA) suddenly looks like baseball’s best even without the services of Garrett Richards (13-4, 2.61 ERA). The hedge fund-backed Dodgers’ have the best pitcher in baseball in Clayton Kershaw. The once-in-a-generation starter-next-door has mastery of three pitches usually thrown in a way three different pitchers might; fastball, 90-plus, a makes-you-swing-from-the-heels slider in the high-80s and an elevator curve in the mid-70s. It’s like facing vintage Barry Zito, Pedro Martinez and Greg Maddox—in one at-bat. Kershaw recently notched his 20th win, has an ERA under 1.80 and tosses 100-pitch complete game shutouts like Drysdale the get away afternoon after a Saturday night bender. Kershaw alone almost makes one forget that any player who came up under Castro thinks hitting the cut-off man is a Fredo Corleone reference.

You got your Tigs Kyle, but the prospect of not only an all West Coast World series, but LCSs makes me giggle. I know Fox shares Erin Andrews’ resting bitchface scowl when it comes to the knowledge that KC, not NY will be in the playoffs and Mr. Jeter’s farewell bonanza is but a week away from coming to a cleaned-out-locker and teary press conference halt. All that historic footage from the pre-device ’90s shelved for roll out at Cooperstown in 2020. And what the fuck will Ken “He shoulda been-a dentist” Rosenthal talk about as Buck cuts Harold Reynolds off on the cutaways with no DJ?

With that, I’d like to be a sort of World Series wager Sommelier. First off, like a fine wine, many teams age into BETTER odds of winning Bud Selig’s final Commissioner’s Trophy as the season matures. But like your great aunt’s Bradford Exchange plate collection, not all teams go up in value. At the start of the season the last-place Red Sox were 12/1 (ditto Rays). The aforementioned Yankees, who are now 300/1 to take a Champagne bath, started out at 14/1. The Orioles who started the season at 35/1 are now 13/2—not bad for a runaway division champ. And your Motor City hardballers are a solid 6/1. For my money though, I’m liking either the A’s or the Giants at 12/1 to bring the hardware back to the Biggedy. After all, Giants fans, it is an even-numbered year.

Kyle, I know you’re headed out the door to see nature’s splendor with the man who pulled you out of oblivion and plopped you on this big blue-infused chunk of spinning granite, but I KNOW you’re laying down your World Series picks this week… so, (Pacino voice) what’dya got?!

Kyle: AJ, I’ve never been more happy to talk baseball during betting season, a sport I usually avoid at the book like the plague. It will also grease the wheels of conversation with the old man while we’re waiting for his knees to stabilize after I drag him up a few thousand feet above his normal playing altitude.

I, too, think the road to the World Series is definitely coming through California. Too many hardball-related planets are aligning with the Golden State. Dave Stewart is LaRussa’s new lapdog in Arizona. Scully is back again next year! I found out, just this week, that they still have an MLB team in San Diego.

As a Tigers fan, I hate to say it, but the Los Angeles Angels of Disneyland at 9/2 to win the series is the best bet at the book. Jeff Weaver is a horse, Matt Shoemaker has walked one guy for every 9 he’s struck out since the break and Wade Leblanc hasn’t given up a run in his last two starts headed into the postseason. Everybody has been getting on in front of Albert Pujols and he’s been driving all of them in—he’s got roughly an RBI per game over the last month, while Mike Trout continues to ape Barry Bonds with his slugging prowess. Gordon Beckham and Howie Kendrick have gotten on-base as often as anyone in the league over the last month. There’s just no way I see someone getting around this time save some massive power outage from Pujols and Trout.

In the NL—and I know this won’t be popular with much of our readership—I like the Dodgers. I don’t love them at 9/5, but in the “who’s going to win this thing” sense, I think we’re geared up for a freeway series. Which, wow, Randy Newman is going to RAKE royalties from FOX. It’ll make Erin’s Dancing with the Stars schedule manageable—I won’t have to put up with her whiny-ass Instagram posts from a private jet about #grinding from coast to coast.

We’ll get some hoity-toity reminders from the New Yorker about all the poor-ass people who got bulldozed out of Chavez Ravine 60-plus years ago to make way for one of the top-five stadiums in baseball. It’ll be gross and engrossing, all at once.

The Dodgers’ Matt Kemp, Justin Turner, Carl Crawford and Scott Van Slyke have been hitting the living shit out the ball over the last month—all four are in the top-15 of OPS over that stretch. Even with Puig’s second-half power outage, I don’t see how anyone else keeps up with the boys in blue. Selig passes out his last trophy south of the Grapevine.

AJ: Gotta agree it may be Los Doyers’ year and hey that Randy Newman song was supposed to be ironic; like how big a shithole-where-small-town-dreams-go-to-die-with-a-gooey-tarpit-center LA is. It makes me laugh every time the Dodgers notch a W and it bounces off the Hollywood sign and into the night. I love it! I love it! I love it!

Oh, yeah, the Huskies are better than David Shaw’s listless and unproven farm squad. Take the dawgs and the 6 points against the Cardinal (at home!) for a share of the Pac-12 North lead.

The PnP Recap:

Last week:
AJ: 3-3
Kyle: 1-2

Overall:
AJ: 8-12
Kyle: 1-7

This week:
AJ:
• Washington +6 vs. Stanford
• SF Giants (or Oakland A’s) at 12/1 to win the World Series

Kyle:
• Oregon State +12.5 @ USC
• LA Dodgers (9/5) or LA Angels (9/2) to win the World Series